ER nurses are a rare breed, its not a easy to understand breed necessarily either. We come with at times, terribly tough exteriors. We've grown hard on the outside because its necessary, its essential to our own survival - what we see come crashing through our doors has the power to break us physically but more importantly, more critically - it can tear us up mentally...and so we learn our ways to wall up, to stay safe, for our own protection and for yours.
And yet, underneath that exterior, those facades of brick and at times titanium, you'll find some of the most amazing examples of human compassion you will ever see.
Its nurse appreciation week.
At this moment a friend of mine, one of the most amazingly compassionate nurses i know lies intubated in the micu 3 floors above our ER. We held her hand as we tubed her, we took her badge and her belongings and we wheeled her together to the icu and we hold silent vigil waiting for the day she'll walk out, we know she'll walk out, she has to, she's one of us, she's a fighter, she's tenacious, she's life and spirit and well - she has to. This week, as we celebrate, we together here, worry, and we remember what it takes within all of us to be what we are. It has been demonstrated so clearly within these halls. I love my friends, i stand humbly in deep admiration and gratitude to those i work with and i pray that she'll be back among us soon in all her cynicism and sarcasm.
Hug a nurse this week.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The End of an Era?
For the last 10+ years i've not sat still more than 18 months....Hawaii was the longest and who can blame me, with the trade winds in my hair and the hope in my heart, it was as close as i've come to making a new permanent home in a long time.
I chose Tampa with that hope...of finally laying roots, and though i made the choice and took the job and rented the apartment, though i have friends here now that mean the world to me, i've resisted laying anything deeper.
Today the challenge was laid...
And it sent my world into a tailspin,
my mind into chaos...
Can i leave my travelling ways behind...can i, do i wish to, will i overcome the fear and make something more permanent in hopes of other things more rewarding, more permanent as well?
I am going to try....
Some people think change is scary...
For me, the potential of the lack thereof is terrifying
I chose Tampa with that hope...of finally laying roots, and though i made the choice and took the job and rented the apartment, though i have friends here now that mean the world to me, i've resisted laying anything deeper.
Today the challenge was laid...
And it sent my world into a tailspin,
my mind into chaos...
Can i leave my travelling ways behind...can i, do i wish to, will i overcome the fear and make something more permanent in hopes of other things more rewarding, more permanent as well?
I am going to try....
Some people think change is scary...
For me, the potential of the lack thereof is terrifying
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Leave your bar high, just accept that you can't always stand that tall....
We sat outside the ER in the cool air of the morning. i'm sure he could see the tears pooling in my eyes....i know he saw the breath that pushed them back and away. He laughed, in that quiet and assured way he has, that way i've come to enjoy.
"If you only knew the ones i've watched cry around here he chuckled as he drew on his cigarette. You're still standing kid....what are you worried about? And they're only tears, if you must let 'em go, tomorrow will be another night, and there will be another after that."
It wasn't that his words were all that reassuring necessarily, but simply that he accepted where i was, maybe the knowledge that he'd been there before, that he'd watched others in the same place, maybe it was the sweet smell of nicotine slowly wafting in my direction but there was comfort there.
I hate not playing at the top of my game, i hate losing face in front of people that are supposed to respect me, especially doctors. I hate sounding blonde, ever, in front of these people. There is one realm that I keep control in and that is within the walls of that hospital.....last night i barely kept my head on straight, barely kept control and almost at some moments lost it completely and became a mess of frustrated tears, pushed too far, run too hard. I find it hard to forgive myself for that, for not being better, for not running faster, thinking smarter, catching on more quickly. I owe that to my patients.
Deep down inside me somewhere i know i'm holding the bar too high at this moment simply for the right to beat myself over the head with it. It wasn't meant to be easy, this whole move, this change. This is a whole new scope of practice, not just a new specialty but a whole new paradigm of nursing for me. Of course i'm supposed to be instantly perfect at it and never miss a step - i'm really good at setting those realistic expectations for myself.
This will pass, give it a few weeks and i'll settle into what this is like, alone in the ER amongst the insane fray of what this job now is. There will come a day when i get back my control. Funny for a girl that generally hates having it when it comes to work i can't stand losing it.
In time i'll reach my own bar again.....and inevitably find some way to raise it higher.
Such is the beautiful challenge of life.
I truly am a masochist at heart... *shakes head*
"If you only knew the ones i've watched cry around here he chuckled as he drew on his cigarette. You're still standing kid....what are you worried about? And they're only tears, if you must let 'em go, tomorrow will be another night, and there will be another after that."
It wasn't that his words were all that reassuring necessarily, but simply that he accepted where i was, maybe the knowledge that he'd been there before, that he'd watched others in the same place, maybe it was the sweet smell of nicotine slowly wafting in my direction but there was comfort there.
I hate not playing at the top of my game, i hate losing face in front of people that are supposed to respect me, especially doctors. I hate sounding blonde, ever, in front of these people. There is one realm that I keep control in and that is within the walls of that hospital.....last night i barely kept my head on straight, barely kept control and almost at some moments lost it completely and became a mess of frustrated tears, pushed too far, run too hard. I find it hard to forgive myself for that, for not being better, for not running faster, thinking smarter, catching on more quickly. I owe that to my patients.
Deep down inside me somewhere i know i'm holding the bar too high at this moment simply for the right to beat myself over the head with it. It wasn't meant to be easy, this whole move, this change. This is a whole new scope of practice, not just a new specialty but a whole new paradigm of nursing for me. Of course i'm supposed to be instantly perfect at it and never miss a step - i'm really good at setting those realistic expectations for myself.
This will pass, give it a few weeks and i'll settle into what this is like, alone in the ER amongst the insane fray of what this job now is. There will come a day when i get back my control. Funny for a girl that generally hates having it when it comes to work i can't stand losing it.
In time i'll reach my own bar again.....and inevitably find some way to raise it higher.
Such is the beautiful challenge of life.
I truly am a masochist at heart... *shakes head*
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Prude or Proud
i find myself wondering in recent weeks if in my old age, if i'm becoming a prude. (oh my god i turn 30 in May *weep*) (please know there's a good bit of sarcasm at calling myself old, but it mixes with a good deal of angst over turning 30)
i even inquired of a close friend that knows well of my kink about this. He laughed heartily, then spit back amongst laughter the retort, "You a prude? That's almost as laughable as calling yourself a virgin!". i was somewhat comforted by this reaction, it came from his gut, he didn't have to think about it, for these type of reactions i treasure him deeply.
Anyways, to the point, the world of quick sex, one night stands and the like seems to be relatively far behind me now. I understand, respect and appreciate those that live by the Ethical Slut ideas, however i have come to understand through time, trial and heartache (joined with a good number of smiles and laughs, and some really amazing moaning) that it is not a code i personally can live by. My heart is too tender, too longing to go to another to make this type of lifestyle something i can comfortably live. My psyche simply cannot handle it. Sex for me is tied to intimate emotions, deep feelings coming from my heart. Submission is so much more so.
Before anyone flames me because they read the above statements to mean that those that are "ethical sluts" do not have tender hearts. i make no assumption of who or what anyone else is, i am simply understanding what i am, what my mind and heart at this time and place are able to feel and survive.
So back to the idea of being a prude. If one desires to ride the ride long enough, they will realize that inside this prude who cannot just give her body to win a moment of sexual gratification without connections and strings, is one of the most vivacious sluts out there. i have always been and remain proud of my slut title. However, understand that my slutdom is reserved for the one i love, trust and feel connected to, i am a slut for my One, not the world.
Now, understanding this for myself and practicing it in the real world, especially in the real world of BDSM seems to be exceedingly difficult. I've been told at times that my refraining from sexual activity in the early stages of getting to know someone is not submission, i've heard a number of lines lately....all in regards to giving up my body to get to that trust and relationship-y stuff. i'm monumentally tired of the expectation that because i'm a submissive i should put out early and earnestly and then i might see the return. Where is the respect in that? Why is that seemingly in this day and age a requirement of a submissive. If you'd like to see my submissiveness there are many beautiful ways to elicit it without me on my knees sucking a cock.
If a Dom, if a Man cannot take the time, use their imagination and believe i am worth that effort, i'm not inclined to put out. Does this make me a prude? Does this mean i'm trying to hold control that as a submissive i should not hold? Or does this mean that i'm a woman and a submissive that respects herself enough not to give my body until something real has formed, until the trust and communication i have come to believe are so fundamental in BDSM relationships has at least a chance to take root. Has my heart become too guarded and i hide it behind reserving my body?
These are the questions i'm struggling with. Now my previously mentioned dear friend, when posed with this same line of thought and questioning explained to me how he'd romance me. I must say, he made me swoon for days over the ideas he put forth. He speaks of wining and dining and woman he cares about, dropping careful hints and innuendos, teasing, making strategic Dominant moves to elicit the submission he desires. He speaks of treating me as the woman he respects and desires and slowly, carefully, quietly demanding the submission we both need until i'm falling to my knees begging for Him to take me.
i've had no success in finding this type of Man, this Dom who is willing to endeavor in this type of investment, waiting patiently and quietly for the sexual gratification, knowing the taste of some things is far sweeter when you've worked for and waited for them.
So, i'm curious, what do you think? Prude or proud? Have i set the impossible bar, do i ask too much, or have i settled for too little before....
i even inquired of a close friend that knows well of my kink about this. He laughed heartily, then spit back amongst laughter the retort, "You a prude? That's almost as laughable as calling yourself a virgin!". i was somewhat comforted by this reaction, it came from his gut, he didn't have to think about it, for these type of reactions i treasure him deeply.
Anyways, to the point, the world of quick sex, one night stands and the like seems to be relatively far behind me now. I understand, respect and appreciate those that live by the Ethical Slut ideas, however i have come to understand through time, trial and heartache (joined with a good number of smiles and laughs, and some really amazing moaning) that it is not a code i personally can live by. My heart is too tender, too longing to go to another to make this type of lifestyle something i can comfortably live. My psyche simply cannot handle it. Sex for me is tied to intimate emotions, deep feelings coming from my heart. Submission is so much more so.
Before anyone flames me because they read the above statements to mean that those that are "ethical sluts" do not have tender hearts. i make no assumption of who or what anyone else is, i am simply understanding what i am, what my mind and heart at this time and place are able to feel and survive.
So back to the idea of being a prude. If one desires to ride the ride long enough, they will realize that inside this prude who cannot just give her body to win a moment of sexual gratification without connections and strings, is one of the most vivacious sluts out there. i have always been and remain proud of my slut title. However, understand that my slutdom is reserved for the one i love, trust and feel connected to, i am a slut for my One, not the world.
Now, understanding this for myself and practicing it in the real world, especially in the real world of BDSM seems to be exceedingly difficult. I've been told at times that my refraining from sexual activity in the early stages of getting to know someone is not submission, i've heard a number of lines lately....all in regards to giving up my body to get to that trust and relationship-y stuff. i'm monumentally tired of the expectation that because i'm a submissive i should put out early and earnestly and then i might see the return. Where is the respect in that? Why is that seemingly in this day and age a requirement of a submissive. If you'd like to see my submissiveness there are many beautiful ways to elicit it without me on my knees sucking a cock.
If a Dom, if a Man cannot take the time, use their imagination and believe i am worth that effort, i'm not inclined to put out. Does this make me a prude? Does this mean i'm trying to hold control that as a submissive i should not hold? Or does this mean that i'm a woman and a submissive that respects herself enough not to give my body until something real has formed, until the trust and communication i have come to believe are so fundamental in BDSM relationships has at least a chance to take root. Has my heart become too guarded and i hide it behind reserving my body?
These are the questions i'm struggling with. Now my previously mentioned dear friend, when posed with this same line of thought and questioning explained to me how he'd romance me. I must say, he made me swoon for days over the ideas he put forth. He speaks of wining and dining and woman he cares about, dropping careful hints and innuendos, teasing, making strategic Dominant moves to elicit the submission he desires. He speaks of treating me as the woman he respects and desires and slowly, carefully, quietly demanding the submission we both need until i'm falling to my knees begging for Him to take me.
i've had no success in finding this type of Man, this Dom who is willing to endeavor in this type of investment, waiting patiently and quietly for the sexual gratification, knowing the taste of some things is far sweeter when you've worked for and waited for them.
So, i'm curious, what do you think? Prude or proud? Have i set the impossible bar, do i ask too much, or have i settled for too little before....
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Some Hurts You Cannot Take Away, Somethings only time heals.
For as long as i can remember i've been a caretaker, a provider, a shelterer and a protector. At times its gotten me in trouble but for the most part i've found it the only beautiful way i know how to live my life. My heart was born and made to soothe, to comfort and to love and i've left what i consider, a beautiful legacy, of doing these things. I may never make a huge impact upon the world, but i've impacted people and it is enough, it is often overwhelmingly enough.
But there are things one slowly learns they cannot heal, breaks in the heart and the facade of our daily armor which no amount of soothing or outpouring of love can take away in an instant. Pain is the building block upon which we learn to appreciate our joys and savour our happiness, a necessary part of life, an inescapable reality and no matter how much one longs to soothe, to please, to help and to take away the hurt in this world, it is an impossibility.
It is not in the moments of my own pain that I generally run into the most trouble. I have learned through time and trial to attempt at the very least to look outside my own moments of suffering and to attempt to appreciate them more for the character building and lessons learned, such an outlook, while sometimes completely unsuccessful, generally eases the burden at least by a few stones. It is the moments however when i look upon a loved one's pain, their hurt, their fear and know that no measure of love, kisses, hugs, soothing or even medication is going to dull the excruciating ache that bears down upon their hearts and their lives. It is an intolerable moment, that longing to take away something which another must go through, the need to relieve suffering that cannot be relieved.
It has been my greatest stumbling block, the feeling that drags me into the deepest pit of heartache, to watch those i love suffer and stand by ineffectually offering what i have but knowing it is insufficient to relieve. I loathe this feeling, i long for more control, more ability, more correct words, more angel touch.
But sometimes only time heals wounds, sometimes one can only stand by and offer to wipe away tears. Sometimes I have to realize that even i can't be superhuman and relieve the pain of all those around me. I don't like that realization.....i wish things were as simple as kissing away a booboo. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
But there are things one slowly learns they cannot heal, breaks in the heart and the facade of our daily armor which no amount of soothing or outpouring of love can take away in an instant. Pain is the building block upon which we learn to appreciate our joys and savour our happiness, a necessary part of life, an inescapable reality and no matter how much one longs to soothe, to please, to help and to take away the hurt in this world, it is an impossibility.
It is not in the moments of my own pain that I generally run into the most trouble. I have learned through time and trial to attempt at the very least to look outside my own moments of suffering and to attempt to appreciate them more for the character building and lessons learned, such an outlook, while sometimes completely unsuccessful, generally eases the burden at least by a few stones. It is the moments however when i look upon a loved one's pain, their hurt, their fear and know that no measure of love, kisses, hugs, soothing or even medication is going to dull the excruciating ache that bears down upon their hearts and their lives. It is an intolerable moment, that longing to take away something which another must go through, the need to relieve suffering that cannot be relieved.
It has been my greatest stumbling block, the feeling that drags me into the deepest pit of heartache, to watch those i love suffer and stand by ineffectually offering what i have but knowing it is insufficient to relieve. I loathe this feeling, i long for more control, more ability, more correct words, more angel touch.
But sometimes only time heals wounds, sometimes one can only stand by and offer to wipe away tears. Sometimes I have to realize that even i can't be superhuman and relieve the pain of all those around me. I don't like that realization.....i wish things were as simple as kissing away a booboo. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Its a Phish Day....
Because its fun, and its lovely and its silly and its one of those kinds of days.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Maybe.....
i remember the day i fell in love with him, like it was yesterday, like it hadn't been marred by all the nasty stuff that got in the middle. No part of me has ever forgotten for much more than a moment how much i've loved him, though i've often questioned why or questioned what i was supposed to do with that. it continues to escape me even after all this time, how i'm supposed to get over him, and that, well perhaps that's the scariest part.
i remember the first time he sang my lullabye, and the last. i sing it softly to ani sometimes now, watching how her little breath slows to a regular soothing lullabye of its own, and i wonder what it would have been like to rock our baby like that.
And now his voice whispers in my ear again, and remember how, once upon a time, i was almost his baby and that was the only place i longed to be. I remember how much this song meant to me, how it was one of the few times before he drew so far away that he was able to express true emotion. And now he says all the words, all the things that were necessary so long ago and were never said.
And i cannot help but to be confused.......
i've never loved like this before......and i don't know how to stop, nor do i know how to go forward.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Musical Gifts
Someone gave me the gift of this song awhile back. For a long time its been on my play list, on my ipod, i keep it close. I never looked up the words until last night in a fit of curiosity, i just knew, that it made me feel good.....
i love it more today...and i thank the one who gifted it to me.
English translation:
Life changes its beauty all the time
Sometimes it’s a shade, sometimes life is sunlight
Live every moment here to your heart’s content
The time that is here may not be tomorrow
One who loves you whole-heartedly
It is difficult meet that person
If there is someone like that somewhere
That person is more beautiful than all
Grab onto that (person’s) hand
He or she may not be so gracious tomorrow
Live every moment here to your heart’s content
The time that is here may not be tomorrow
Taking the shadow of your eyelashes, when someone comes near
You try to reason with your crazy heart
Your heart just goes on beating
But think, that which is here now
That story may not be here tomorrow
Life changes its beauty all the time
Sometimes it’s a shade, sometimes life is sunlight
Live every moment here to your heart’s content
The time that is here may not be tomorrow
The time that is here may not be tomorrow
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I believe in Fairytales....
I like romantic movies, of the sort where the perfect man and the perfect woman still exist, and momentarily they do something stupid, but you can see how perfect they are, and it all comes out just perfect in the end. I don't care about the impossibility of it, that men aren't that sensitive, that women don't communicate ever for 2 hours without the use of passive aggression; it makes me feel, for a brief moment of time, warm fuzzy sweet hope. Hope in a world that loves these days, to be entirely too bleak and pessimistic.
I like love letters read from old musty books and gallant men on white horses, i like the idea of the damsel in distress that gets rescued by their white night or her strong, gorgeous "good" vampire hero. I like to believe, while you're rolling your eyes, in the inherent good in the world too.
Call me naive.
Maybe its just what keeps me hanging on when my heart wants to shatter against the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, movies and a silent hope that there is in fact something different hidden somewhere in the world. But that's okay - it keeps a smile on my face and much more warmth in my heart, that perhaps, in vain shred of belief, so i'll keep it. I'll believe in fairy tales and glass slippers and gallant men, i'll believe in the possibility of hope and less suffering for the good guys, and that karma slaps the bad and my step will remain a little lighter, and all will be okay in my world. And if i'm wrong....well...so be it....a little hope never hurt no one.
So if you're inclined to burst my bubble....don't....maybe you should build one of your own. Its not that i'm not aware of the possibility i believe in unicorns which could never exist in this world...i just choose to believe anyway and maybe, they'll come to life.....
I like love letters read from old musty books and gallant men on white horses, i like the idea of the damsel in distress that gets rescued by their white night or her strong, gorgeous "good" vampire hero. I like to believe, while you're rolling your eyes, in the inherent good in the world too.
Call me naive.
Maybe its just what keeps me hanging on when my heart wants to shatter against the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, movies and a silent hope that there is in fact something different hidden somewhere in the world. But that's okay - it keeps a smile on my face and much more warmth in my heart, that perhaps, in vain shred of belief, so i'll keep it. I'll believe in fairy tales and glass slippers and gallant men, i'll believe in the possibility of hope and less suffering for the good guys, and that karma slaps the bad and my step will remain a little lighter, and all will be okay in my world. And if i'm wrong....well...so be it....a little hope never hurt no one.
So if you're inclined to burst my bubble....don't....maybe you should build one of your own. Its not that i'm not aware of the possibility i believe in unicorns which could never exist in this world...i just choose to believe anyway and maybe, they'll come to life.....
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Grown Up Christmas List
It will be for many an especially difficult holiday season. Be it financially or for other reasons - many will struggle through and to those my heart and my thoughts go out to you. May we all do what we can, in this season and year round, to lighten the hearts and the lives of those who surround us.
This has long been one of my favorite christmas songs....someone just made it a little more poignant with the video. I hope you enjoy it too.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Taste Life....
"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.” Joss Whedon
Passion is my ruler, long has been and long will be....and for such i am greatful. My heart leads fast and furious, my head sometimes lingers behind but not so far behind that i'm reckless or careless, i may get my heart broken from time to time, but my heart mends well and the joy i've known in love has always been worth the risks. It is that empty room, that shuttered dank that i fear, i fear it more than any heartbreak. I know how to heal from the wounds, i can trace each scar upon my heart and with atleast a faint smile and recount to you how it came to be, there are sweet old memories behind each one and i choose the joy in the memory not the pain that left the scar to move forward with.
Some may look at me and call me silly, i still feel that patter of my heart from time to time, the beautiful rush of hope, of potential......i fly high on the beauty of maybe. And yes, that sets me up for a great fall...so call me humpty dumpty. Let me fly....god how i love to fly - if i fall, my pieces will reconnect again i assure you, i will not be dashed so completely i cannot repair, but i need to soar every now and again, just to remember that i can touch the sky. And maybe...someday.....i'll stay up there.
I know you want to protect me, and i want you to, ground me where i need ground me and slow me where i need slowing, but share with me the joy too please, i beg you. When i called today i did so because i am passion, i am excitement, i am a little girl all a flutter with something i haven't known in a very long time.....so please, understand just a little and play with me in my big field of daisys.....i'm dancing, dance with me too....i want you to feel this joy i'm feeling. If i fall down and cry tomorrow i won't make you patch me up if that's what you want, i'll let you say i told you so, if that's what you need, just please, dance with me a little, today. Oh because i so want to dance. Does it make sense? Can you understand?
i hope someday you do understand
because its the cornerstone of who i am
as honestly and truthfully as i can put it, and maybe someday you'll get that......
i'm not confused, i'm not flighty, i'm not risky....i'm just...passion, open and true and free.
Passion is my ruler, long has been and long will be....and for such i am greatful. My heart leads fast and furious, my head sometimes lingers behind but not so far behind that i'm reckless or careless, i may get my heart broken from time to time, but my heart mends well and the joy i've known in love has always been worth the risks. It is that empty room, that shuttered dank that i fear, i fear it more than any heartbreak. I know how to heal from the wounds, i can trace each scar upon my heart and with atleast a faint smile and recount to you how it came to be, there are sweet old memories behind each one and i choose the joy in the memory not the pain that left the scar to move forward with.
Some may look at me and call me silly, i still feel that patter of my heart from time to time, the beautiful rush of hope, of potential......i fly high on the beauty of maybe. And yes, that sets me up for a great fall...so call me humpty dumpty. Let me fly....god how i love to fly - if i fall, my pieces will reconnect again i assure you, i will not be dashed so completely i cannot repair, but i need to soar every now and again, just to remember that i can touch the sky. And maybe...someday.....i'll stay up there.
I know you want to protect me, and i want you to, ground me where i need ground me and slow me where i need slowing, but share with me the joy too please, i beg you. When i called today i did so because i am passion, i am excitement, i am a little girl all a flutter with something i haven't known in a very long time.....so please, understand just a little and play with me in my big field of daisys.....i'm dancing, dance with me too....i want you to feel this joy i'm feeling. If i fall down and cry tomorrow i won't make you patch me up if that's what you want, i'll let you say i told you so, if that's what you need, just please, dance with me a little, today. Oh because i so want to dance. Does it make sense? Can you understand?
i hope someday you do understand
because its the cornerstone of who i am
as honestly and truthfully as i can put it, and maybe someday you'll get that......
i'm not confused, i'm not flighty, i'm not risky....i'm just...passion, open and true and free.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Chewing Potato chips with your mouth open within my earshot could likely lead to your demise.
Honestly, chewing potato chips at all within earshot is risky. I have an anger management issue around hearing people chew. Its perhaps one of the reasons my ex N and i are ex's - well no, its not one of the pivital issues, there were lots of them, and we're better as friends, just plain better. But there were nights we had to eat dinner in our 3 story duplex at least 2 stories apart with the tv on so i didn't strangle him over the chewing noise. Sad but true.
Okay that's really not what i came to blog about - but there's a pansy ass float nurse from the ICU who is dressed adorably in pink and almost had to return to her unit as a patient - i wrote, she lived. She's now finished her bag of chips and moved on to her myspace page - which is also adorably pink. I'm not sure she's actually interacted with a patient all night - sometimes those ICU nurses don't know you're expected to do that down here - you know, where the patients are conscious and all....*rolls eyes*
Alright i'll stop being snippy - i just checked and all her patients still have pulses, i even put them on telemetry monitors so i can make sure they stay alive all night...no, i doubt she'll realize there's no order for this.
Anyway - enough about that....
What was i really here to write about....
You know tonight is just one of those wierd nights. There's a Red Sox party at my house, i'm at work. 10 people in my apartment overlooking the city, and here i am instead hanging blocks from Fenway at the hospital hoping someone leaves my keys at the concierge desk and maybe a beer in my fridge.
I spent an hour this morning trying desperately to procure Phish tickets, i wrote the weekend of their reuniting concert into my next contract, i had such high hopes until he called this morning and said he'd forgotten the tickets went on sale today. Of course by the they had sold out. Maybe just maybe some will fall in our laps and my trip to Virginia to dance like a hippie goddess won't be only a pipe dream.....hey not that i don't love my little pipe dreams...but this one i really would have liked to come true. The land of lizards has long been my happy place, and i love my round room and the velvet sea. Its not too often i really want to go to a concert, but it would have been nice to see them....to spark one up and float away and remember how free it can feel.....
I met a man tonight who has possibly lost everything...he's lost his his job, he's lost his chance most would think at a wife, at children at most normalcy. He's lost his voice to cancer and now his ability to eat. Yet he smiles, and we laugh, and we figure out a way to communicate in mime and lip reading and sign language.....he teaches me how to feed him, how to suction his airway, how to talk to him...and together we unravel the mystery of his happiness. And i am blessed. He doesn't grumble at being woken every 2 hours, he smiles and thanks me for the kindness of my care, and somewhere inside he breaks my heart and rebuilds my spirit. We watched the sox game together and i made sure his surroundings were exactly the way he liked, and we talked, in our own way, in every spare moment until he fell asleep...and maybe for a moment, all was right in both of our worlds and everything lost....didnt matter one bit.
i'm still afraid...afraid of letting someone in, afraid of not...but i'm taking baby steps. Protection feels good, and maybe honestly, i forgot that someone was there to do that - please understand Mami its not meant to offend when i say that, its not a reflection on you - i've just relied on myself for a very long time. Old habits die hard...i've wanted to believe that someone else was there to protect me and hold me and love me for so long, but in the end there it was..the bottom line, the protection...was me.
Yeah it would definately be time to shut the hell up....
Honestly, chewing potato chips at all within earshot is risky. I have an anger management issue around hearing people chew. Its perhaps one of the reasons my ex N and i are ex's - well no, its not one of the pivital issues, there were lots of them, and we're better as friends, just plain better. But there were nights we had to eat dinner in our 3 story duplex at least 2 stories apart with the tv on so i didn't strangle him over the chewing noise. Sad but true.
Okay that's really not what i came to blog about - but there's a pansy ass float nurse from the ICU who is dressed adorably in pink and almost had to return to her unit as a patient - i wrote, she lived. She's now finished her bag of chips and moved on to her myspace page - which is also adorably pink. I'm not sure she's actually interacted with a patient all night - sometimes those ICU nurses don't know you're expected to do that down here - you know, where the patients are conscious and all....*rolls eyes*
Alright i'll stop being snippy - i just checked and all her patients still have pulses, i even put them on telemetry monitors so i can make sure they stay alive all night...no, i doubt she'll realize there's no order for this.
Anyway - enough about that....
What was i really here to write about....
You know tonight is just one of those wierd nights. There's a Red Sox party at my house, i'm at work. 10 people in my apartment overlooking the city, and here i am instead hanging blocks from Fenway at the hospital hoping someone leaves my keys at the concierge desk and maybe a beer in my fridge.
I spent an hour this morning trying desperately to procure Phish tickets, i wrote the weekend of their reuniting concert into my next contract, i had such high hopes until he called this morning and said he'd forgotten the tickets went on sale today. Of course by the they had sold out. Maybe just maybe some will fall in our laps and my trip to Virginia to dance like a hippie goddess won't be only a pipe dream.....hey not that i don't love my little pipe dreams...but this one i really would have liked to come true. The land of lizards has long been my happy place, and i love my round room and the velvet sea. Its not too often i really want to go to a concert, but it would have been nice to see them....to spark one up and float away and remember how free it can feel.....
I met a man tonight who has possibly lost everything...he's lost his his job, he's lost his chance most would think at a wife, at children at most normalcy. He's lost his voice to cancer and now his ability to eat. Yet he smiles, and we laugh, and we figure out a way to communicate in mime and lip reading and sign language.....he teaches me how to feed him, how to suction his airway, how to talk to him...and together we unravel the mystery of his happiness. And i am blessed. He doesn't grumble at being woken every 2 hours, he smiles and thanks me for the kindness of my care, and somewhere inside he breaks my heart and rebuilds my spirit. We watched the sox game together and i made sure his surroundings were exactly the way he liked, and we talked, in our own way, in every spare moment until he fell asleep...and maybe for a moment, all was right in both of our worlds and everything lost....didnt matter one bit.
i'm still afraid...afraid of letting someone in, afraid of not...but i'm taking baby steps. Protection feels good, and maybe honestly, i forgot that someone was there to do that - please understand Mami its not meant to offend when i say that, its not a reflection on you - i've just relied on myself for a very long time. Old habits die hard...i've wanted to believe that someone else was there to protect me and hold me and love me for so long, but in the end there it was..the bottom line, the protection...was me.
Yeah it would definately be time to shut the hell up....
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Sitting Waiting Wishing.....
i loved him.....but this song was the theme song of my life...
and now,
i sing again.
But this time i live, and either you understand, and we grow, and we get through this, or
i'll skip on down this path alone.....i love you, but i won't lock up and die again, not for anyone.
The offer is open, live life with me, not against me, but i will not cease to live.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
When whoever's in New England's Through With me....
The warm weather and water of the gulf coast awaits.....
i signed today with a Florida hospital along the gulf coast...and let the traveling again ensue. When the snow starts to fly just after the holidays i'll pack the car and find myself on a week long road trip, visiting a few friends on my drive down the eastern seaboard and across to my new home for 3 months. The job is a new challenge of skills and a building of self, and i return to a land of sand between my toes and warm waters and palm trees.
The idea of leaving always comes with mixed emotions....but i know in 6 months the winds will blow me back to this side of the world again and the amazing people here i call family....maybe a little bit of self and sun and sand is what i need in the interim......i miss my tevas.
And at least my little peanut's other grandparents live only a few hours down the coast - i'll see her during these months - a strategy to my location choice - she grows too fast to go any great length of time without seeing. My house as always is open for visits.....and i have no doubt there are others that are lining up to come too - warmer climes tend to attract wintertime visits. Will i be seeing you among the sand and the palm trees? I make a mean mango mojito.......just leave your flip flops by the door and come on in.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Close the door, hang up the phone and fold your cape.
Its 2am on one of those rainy weekends, the type in New England that have always left me restless anyway - pacing, itchy.
And among the things weighing most heavily on my mind tonight is the changing of a phone number. Now it doesn't matter that i don't have a Hawaiian exchange anymore - the cool "Hawaiian" part of me doesn't need an 808 area code to live on. I'm not worried that my friends on the islands will cease to call - cell phone calling plans still work the same there - and nights and weekends remain free. Its not even the pain in the ass of trying to make sure everyone that needs to knows the number has changed, actually its a good excuse to talk to some old friends.
Its that with this change i look behind me and hear the permanent closing of a door. There is one person to whom there can be no call to say, "i've changed my number, here's the new one". With this, i have withdrawn the final life raft and be it true or not - in my mind i have written the final mark of failure on years of a relationship i longed to work with every bit of me.
And now i have left him to sink or swim completely on his own
the last tiny lifeline, pulled up and overboard and gone.
in the form of a changed phone number...
and it makes my heart hurt...almost enough to pick up the phone and call
almost
if i didn't know the monster he's become could destroy me again in one breath
its time to walk away
shut the final door
failure or not
maybe someday i'll learn
it was never in my power to save everyone....
and sometimes that means, not even the ones you love the most.
You can't be a superhero - when no one gave you superpowers.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
i was meant to love you....
i've known that thought...i've felt it, to the core of my being...
and i've known how its felt to watch the reality of it crash into the rocks and dash into a million pieces.
It sounds melodramatic and perhaps it is..but that is part of the reality of loving with your whole self, you pour all you are into something, and you hope on the other side, you remain standing.....
i do, i remain standing...because i have chosen to do so...to love without loss - of course the ultimate outcome of loss or not, well its not so much in my court...the ball tends to roll out on the other side.
So what's the lunatic ranting about.....
i love her, and yet here i sit wondering what has become the tone of our relationship. I said months ago i could be quiet and patient and be a friend, and a friend i'll always be. But there was supposed to be more there, we still exist in part as if more is there...yet is there, will there ever be again and does she want there to be?
They are no longer small questions...and be it unfair or insecure - i can no longer quell the fear alone that the one way i desperately need her to need me, is the one way she no longer even wants me at all.
And i'm scared to ask the question...for the answer may be more than i can bare....but i don't know that i can take not feeling wanted like this again....
i've known that thought...i've felt it, to the core of my being...
and i've known how its felt to watch the reality of it crash into the rocks and dash into a million pieces.
It sounds melodramatic and perhaps it is..but that is part of the reality of loving with your whole self, you pour all you are into something, and you hope on the other side, you remain standing.....
i do, i remain standing...because i have chosen to do so...to love without loss - of course the ultimate outcome of loss or not, well its not so much in my court...the ball tends to roll out on the other side.
So what's the lunatic ranting about.....
i love her, and yet here i sit wondering what has become the tone of our relationship. I said months ago i could be quiet and patient and be a friend, and a friend i'll always be. But there was supposed to be more there, we still exist in part as if more is there...yet is there, will there ever be again and does she want there to be?
They are no longer small questions...and be it unfair or insecure - i can no longer quell the fear alone that the one way i desperately need her to need me, is the one way she no longer even wants me at all.
And i'm scared to ask the question...for the answer may be more than i can bare....but i don't know that i can take not feeling wanted like this again....
Thursday, September 18, 2008
its a musical week....
There's comfort in music this week.
When i first moved home i'd listen to a lot of Jack Johnson, especially on the long drives between Maine and Vermont when i was torn between places and the landscape would remind me just the slightest bit of my old home in Hawaii as i drove through the mountains. Jack would take me back a bit and with some wind through my hair i could feel calm and cool and a bit of the tropics again.....
Bubble toes made me giggle - my little princess had the most beautiful eyes and fat bubbly toes and somehow this song was just meant to be our song. And i started to sing it to her in our dancing hours - and one day, out of the blue - she agreed in a most startling way for an 11 month old, she sang it back to me. Much to the amazement of her mother and father and me, when the song finished she started singing la ta da da da da....much too much in rhythem, and she's done it ever since, breaking into a huge grin every time i put her song on. So she and i, we sing, and we dance, and we smile together, and that pretty much can make anything okay...
And Maybe if you'd just listen
you'd realize what you're missin
you're missin me.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Rainy Sundays and a little musical interlude
It makes a rainy sunday a little better....i can't help but laugh a little watching the video and it reminds me of someone i love very much.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
He watched me last night with a curious look in his eyes, as i rocked her, my little borrowed miracle to sleep in my lap. She'd fought slumber all day in that tenacious little way she has about her, and as she finally succumbed in those late hours of the night, and we rocked together in a quiet happy bliss he watched us from across the room. I've never seen that look in his eyes, and i wonder what was behind it.
I suspect its a thousand dreams that may or may not ever come true, his dreams for me, flashing behind his tired eyes, mixing with love for the beautiful little precious bundle whose eyelids slowly lose the battle against sleep.
i had my beautiful blonde headed boy once, whom i nestled in my arms and i loved with all my heart....and then years later for a brief time i fell in love with another child i would have given everything to. i have missed my little princes - and my heart is full with the knowledge that somewhere in the world they are hopefully healthy and happy and maybe they remember just a little how much i love them, how much i always will.
As for children of my own...that's a story yet to be written and perhaps a page always to remain blank, i do not know if the fates will ever be kind, or even if such remains a true possibility given certain medical history. For now i'll simply be content with the amazing little gifts i've been given in my life. i've been privileged to know the gift of being called mom, and though i ache at times for that feeling once again.... well, maybe someday....an answer that doesn't satiate two anxious parents who long for more grandchildren and a settled married life for their daughter.
I wish at times i could be simpler, that i could settle down and be the daughter they pictured in their dreams........when i was a little girl bouncing on his knee long ago.
I suspect its a thousand dreams that may or may not ever come true, his dreams for me, flashing behind his tired eyes, mixing with love for the beautiful little precious bundle whose eyelids slowly lose the battle against sleep.
i had my beautiful blonde headed boy once, whom i nestled in my arms and i loved with all my heart....and then years later for a brief time i fell in love with another child i would have given everything to. i have missed my little princes - and my heart is full with the knowledge that somewhere in the world they are hopefully healthy and happy and maybe they remember just a little how much i love them, how much i always will.
As for children of my own...that's a story yet to be written and perhaps a page always to remain blank, i do not know if the fates will ever be kind, or even if such remains a true possibility given certain medical history. For now i'll simply be content with the amazing little gifts i've been given in my life. i've been privileged to know the gift of being called mom, and though i ache at times for that feeling once again.... well, maybe someday....an answer that doesn't satiate two anxious parents who long for more grandchildren and a settled married life for their daughter.
I wish at times i could be simpler, that i could settle down and be the daughter they pictured in their dreams........when i was a little girl bouncing on his knee long ago.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
