Merry Christmas all..its been awhile eh?
Its been the hardest Christmas I hope I'll ever endure. For a year and a half nick and I have walked side by side, loving eachother, exploring the world, talking, laughing and being best friends and lovers. But life is cruel and the fates crueler..that they would make two people, who love eachother so much so incompatible for the long term. We decided 4 days before Christmas that the time had come to admit...that though we love eachother feircely....its that very love that now must make us part, before life becomes to painful and we learn to resent eachother. We are fundamentally different in ways that cannot be overcome anytime in the immediate future....those incompatibilities drive eachother insane and cause intense unhappiness. So with many tears...much heartache we decided to part ways....and as I watch him leave this house and move towards a different tomorrow without me I could not imagine anything that could hurt more.
After the decision was made my heart cried a thousand times to take it back...but he's set that this is right and what we must do. There's an ache that walks with me through every day...it dulls with time, I can see this already but it will take many moons before it goes away. I must learn to be me again...alone in a world that scares me beyond belief. Its time to grow to be less scared alone. Its a call to change and grow and learn and I will..in time.
My family, my friends - they have been amazing. The friends who saw themselves relatively neglected as I lay quietly in the bonds of my relationship have picked up where we left off, embracing me and loving me and holding me and kicking me in the ass when necessary. I truly am blessed.
And Nick...in time we will be friends...we are in name now but the close proximity is bittersweet at the moment and for a time we must stay apart...keep lines drawn and learn to live our lives alone again. I miss him in every moment..perhaps I always will. Tis cruel to have to wonder if you've made the biggest mistake of your life. But if it is meant to be I can only believe that some day we will find eachother again. And if not then we will have spared ourselves the pain of a potentially broken marriage some day.
He walks through this house still, final arrangements for moving not yet done. His presence is bittersweet. I know he must leave - for with him here my soul will always be captive to what I once had and cannot have any longer. I wish he didn't have to go, I wish he could stay and be my roomate and we could walk on as friends without missing a beat. Such is not reality.
I feel like a failure. O said it last night...he caught what no one else has....he knows my soul too well. Another relationship I couldn't make work...I know it takes the effort of two and this is not my failure but an acceptance of facts and emotions..I know this logically. Someone tell my heart.
