For as long as I can remember back now,....its never felt like that.

All the missed notes in the world didn't matter, bad counting, no formality of style. None of it, I simply no longer cared. What came from my fingertips was music, free, unfettered by discipline adn training, unfettered by fears of what others would say upon hearing, no judgements. Just freedom.

I played for nearly an hour, a volume hugely longer than I've played in years. I just let it trickle from my fingers. And for a moment...I was free.

If you look at something for long enough, really look. You will find that no matter how much it may have looked like a perfect circle to begin with, you find, upon closer examination a wide variety of angles. These things not appreciated or considered on first glance. Its along the same lines of not judging a book by its cover. If you look at something or someone too fast you will fail to see something, you will often fail to see what it might do you a lot of good to see.

There's a lot of that going around in my life right now. For example being sick like I am. Now on the surface the whole thing just sucks. I'm tired of having this constant headache that's been throbbing along making me irritable and frustrated for months. Its cost me money in medical bills, its severely complicated school and work and even friendships which I once thought were strong. That's just an angle though. I can definately focus on it like that, but I'm trying to see some of the other sides.

Its a learning experience. Though I wouldn't wish to go through this, with each increasing frustration, each new test, each bump in the road, does my capacity for compassion not increase? Is this possibly not the worst and yet best, training for my nursing career? Maybe the next person presenting in front of me as a patient will get more understanding and compassionate treatment from me since I've been through this. Maybe I'll have better words to say to someone when they need comfort. Walking a mile in someone else's shoes certainly improves ones ability to act with a new understanding.

Beyond that...what a host of blessings have been shown in my life through this. Old friends, new friends, family all coming to my support. Sure, some get it more than others and there are pit falls here too, but I'm trying not to linger on the down side. My parents have been astoundingly supportive and helpful, even my dad tries, though his emotional stunting makes it difficult. I've renewed or tried to open some links with my brother. I've tried to be more mindful of the family that i'm likely to soon move away from again. I get some time with my mother, though we all prefer that it was under different circumstances, but still its connection, its support, its love and its all here, blessing me and helping me right now.

And then there's that special person, who shows his strength and his amazing capacity to love me and support me and care through this difficult time. We grow together through this, I becoming assured that his love is not for the good only. He gives me so much and he never stops, he shows me how much he cares, he puts up with me when I'm crazy frustrated, he holds me tight even when his arms can't reach across the globe to hold me physically.

So its not all bad. :) Its a lot of good....with a headache in the middle.

There are other things I'm examining more closely, aspects of things and people that i'm seeing for a first time but I think they're part of a separate entry. I feel pretty good right now about things...I think I'll leave it at that.