Leave your bar high, just accept that you can't always stand that tall....

We sat outside the ER in the cool air of the morning. i'm sure he could see the tears pooling in my eyes....i know he saw the breath that pushed them back and away. He laughed, in that quiet and assured way he has, that way i've come to enjoy.

"If you only knew the ones i've watched cry around here he chuckled as he drew on his cigarette. You're still standing kid....what are you worried about? And they're only tears, if you must let 'em go, tomorrow will be another night, and there will be another after that."

It wasn't that his words were all that reassuring necessarily, but simply that he accepted where i was, maybe the knowledge that he'd been there before, that he'd watched others in the same place, maybe it was the sweet smell of nicotine slowly wafting in my direction but there was comfort there.

I hate not playing at the top of my game, i hate losing face in front of people that are supposed to respect me, especially doctors. I hate sounding blonde, ever, in front of these people. There is one realm that I keep control in and that is within the walls of that hospital.....last night i barely kept my head on straight, barely kept control and almost at some moments lost it completely and became a mess of frustrated tears, pushed too far, run too hard. I find it hard to forgive myself for that, for not being better, for not running faster, thinking smarter, catching on more quickly. I owe that to my patients.

Deep down inside me somewhere i know i'm holding the bar too high at this moment simply for the right to beat myself over the head with it. It wasn't meant to be easy, this whole move, this change. This is a whole new scope of practice, not just a new specialty but a whole new paradigm of nursing for me. Of course i'm supposed to be instantly perfect at it and never miss a step - i'm really good at setting those realistic expectations for myself.

This will pass, give it a few weeks and i'll settle into what this is like, alone in the ER amongst the insane fray of what this job now is. There will come a day when i get back my control. Funny for a girl that generally hates having it when it comes to work i can't stand losing it.

In time i'll reach my own bar again.....and inevitably find some way to raise it higher.

Such is the beautiful challenge of life.

I truly am a masochist at heart... *shakes head*