2001-05-31 - 10:57 a.m.
Life is a stage.
I have stage fright.
Life is what you make of it.
To make something you need ingredients.
I have nothing left.
When life gives you lemons - make lemonade.
I hate lemonade.
Love is over rated.
So is being alone.
Love yourself its the only truth.
Fuck that - its still lonely.
2001-05-22 - 10:59 a.m.
In a land far far away from here she danced. It was a glorious place where her heart took flight and on tiptoe and wing she fluttered and spun happily in the streams of sunlight that slipped through the trees. She danced here in this hidden Eden waiting for one of her favorite souls to join her. She wildly anticipated dancing again with him. Bright eyed and light hearted she danced in anticipation of laughter and conversation and that peace of joining souls with this precious one again.
Time went on..she grew weary of dancing. She curled her wings around her and slept fitfully under a nearby toadstool. This was a place of dreams, her dreams. This hidden glen was safe, a haven only she held the knowledge of. A place where few could go...and only when she led them there. She slept happily and peacefully with a blanket of moss.
She awoke with a start...her eyes searched her happy den to find only solitude. Her dear desired soul had not come. She danced once more...but she danced slower at first. Held back by the bitter taste of disappointment. She was inhibited by questions as to why he had not come to her. A tear slipped down her cheek at the thoughts of laughter and friendship and companionship abandoned.
She wiped her tear. She tucked the disappointment under her wings and took up her dancing again. She had grown to quietly accept this dissappointment. She knew how to lighten her spirit and dance again with the others that could share her secret space. She tucked the sorrow away and danced on the wind once more. There was a new chill in the air though.
There are others who get to watch this fairey dance in this magical place. There are a select few who are allowed to see her spirit soar and dance at such heights, in such beauty. They marvel at what they see here. She is amazing. She chose to be here alone this time. To seek out that soul which never came...she chose solitude it seems...though what she longed for was the friendship she once knew.
She danced a long time...and the bitter taste gave way to honey on her tongue...she returned to her glory and danced her way back to the land of other fairies and magical creatures. She smiled brilliantly and flittered among those she so dearly loved. Only occasionally did the pain and bittersweet memory of a soul gone away interrupt her happy thought.
Sometimes she would sneak away to that magical place again. She'd remember what it had been. She would remember how special it was. She would dance with all the beauty and light of days gone by. She wouldn't let the memory fade sour. She danced the same, mostly alone...sometimes with another dear soul..but mostly this place was for her memories now. Sometimes she cried beneath the toadstool..she missed things. She always rose to dance again.
She had many magical places...this was one of her favorites though. Over time she will learn to not dance here as much as the memories can grow more bitter with age. She contemplates how perhaps it is for the best that she dance in the magical realms of other creatures...she knows she is happy..she knows she is free...she knows she is loved.
Part of her will always miss how she could dance in that magical grove in that land far far away.
2001-05-08 - 12:33 p.m.
My wings long to unfurl
My heart longs to be free
My body aches to fly again into the unknown
To search out a land of a different sort
A land where music lives and breathes
Where my heart and soul can run free and naked in their natural beauty
Where they must not fear hurt
Where their armor can be laid down
And their full glory can be seen.
Its a land that doesn't exist here
no one knows of it
no one can follow me
I can fly there on wings of gossamer and gold
Flittering over tree tops and mountains and lakes and streams
Far past all that is of this world I can fly
to a place so sacred...i long to go
Let me fly there...let me uncurl my wings and stretch them
Let me shake off the years of confinement and slumber and soar in the skies
Let me bathe in freedom
Let me taste the honey of satisfaction
Let me feel the warm cool blanket of absolute serenity
Let me go
I was never born of this world
I was never meant to be housed in its cruel walls
Its chains and shackles were not designed for me
Its harsh terrifying ways have done much harm
my wings...my wings
they were once so beautiful and full and strong
they are fragile now
The rough hands of man and world have torn and tattered their shimmering beauty
I remember the glory that once was me
and everything in me longs to return to that
but I cannot find the key
2001-05-02 - 4:24 a.m.
When you brought me home
You held me in your big hands
You smiled at me
You did it because you loved me
When I was a little girl
You dreamed for me of amazing things
You cared for me
You did it because you loved me
When I was a scared child
You told me to be strong
I can't remember just being held
You did it because you loved me.
When I was a sick little child
You held me while I had medicine
It was a scary hold
You did it because you loved me.
When I was a hurt child
You told me to stop crying or you'd show me something to cry about.
And the wound got deeper
You did it because you loved me
When I was a child
You didn't say I love you
I thought I could never make you proud
But I know you loved me
When I was a teenager
You didn't understand me
You expected perfection
You did it because you loved me
When I was an overweight teen
You told me to suck in my gut.
The words cut like knives
You did it because you loved me
When I was a dramatic and scared college kid
You passed the phone when I missed you and called to say I missed you.
You don't know how to feel me
You did it because you loved me?
When I was a scared adult
And my world was falling
You never asked me what I was going through
And I couldn't tell you because I loved you.
When I was a shaken career woman
When my heart was breaking
Your humor drove me far from you
You did it because you loved me
When I'm with you
You don't seem proud
They tell me you are
Why can't you
They say you love me
Why can't you
They tell me of my grandfather
Why can't you
They tell me of his spirit
Why can't you
Others listen and don't judge
Why can't you?
I want you to be proud of me
I want you to love me
I want to stop knowing these things
I want to see them
I want to hear them
I want to feel them
And in the absence of all that
you slip away
because you no longer know who I am
