Prude or Proud

i find myself wondering in recent weeks if in my old age, if i'm becoming a prude. (oh my god i turn 30 in May *weep*) (please know there's a good bit of sarcasm at calling myself old, but it mixes with a good deal of angst over turning 30)

i even inquired of a close friend that knows well of my kink about this. He laughed heartily, then spit back amongst laughter the retort, "You a prude? That's almost as laughable as calling yourself a virgin!". i was somewhat comforted by this reaction, it came from his gut, he didn't have to think about it, for these type of reactions i treasure him deeply.

Anyways, to the point, the world of quick sex, one night stands and the like seems to be relatively far behind me now. I understand, respect and appreciate those that live by the Ethical Slut ideas, however i have come to understand through time, trial and heartache (joined with a good number of smiles and laughs, and some really amazing moaning) that it is not a code i personally can live by. My heart is too tender, too longing to go to another to make this type of lifestyle something i can comfortably live. My psyche simply cannot handle it. Sex for me is tied to intimate emotions, deep feelings coming from my heart. Submission is so much more so.

Before anyone flames me because they read the above statements to mean that those that are "ethical sluts" do not have tender hearts. i make no assumption of who or what anyone else is, i am simply understanding what i am, what my mind and heart at this time and place are able to feel and survive.

So back to the idea of being a prude. If one desires to ride the ride long enough, they will realize that inside this prude who cannot just give her body to win a moment of sexual gratification without connections and strings, is one of the most vivacious sluts out there. i have always been and remain proud of my slut title. However, understand that my slutdom is reserved for the one i love, trust and feel connected to, i am a slut for my One, not the world.

Now, understanding this for myself and practicing it in the real world, especially in the real world of BDSM seems to be exceedingly difficult. I've been told at times that my refraining from sexual activity in the early stages of getting to know someone is not submission, i've heard a number of lines lately....all in regards to giving up my body to get to that trust and relationship-y stuff. i'm monumentally tired of the expectation that because i'm a submissive i should put out early and earnestly and then i might see the return. Where is the respect in that? Why is that seemingly in this day and age a requirement of a submissive. If you'd like to see my submissiveness there are many beautiful ways to elicit it without me on my knees sucking a cock.

If a Dom, if a Man cannot take the time, use their imagination and believe i am worth that effort, i'm not inclined to put out. Does this make me a prude? Does this mean i'm trying to hold control that as a submissive i should not hold? Or does this mean that i'm a woman and a submissive that respects herself enough not to give my body until something real has formed, until the trust and communication i have come to believe are so fundamental in BDSM relationships has at least a chance to take root. Has my heart become too guarded and i hide it behind reserving my body?

These are the questions i'm struggling with. Now my previously mentioned dear friend, when posed with this same line of thought and questioning explained to me how he'd romance me. I must say, he made me swoon for days over the ideas he put forth. He speaks of wining and dining and woman he cares about, dropping careful hints and innuendos, teasing, making strategic Dominant moves to elicit the submission he desires. He speaks of treating me as the woman he respects and desires and slowly, carefully, quietly demanding the submission we both need until i'm falling to my knees begging for Him to take me.

i've had no success in finding this type of Man, this Dom who is willing to endeavor in this type of investment, waiting patiently and quietly for the sexual gratification, knowing the taste of some things is far sweeter when you've worked for and waited for them.

So, i'm curious, what do you think? Prude or proud? Have i set the impossible bar, do i ask too much, or have i settled for too little before....