2004-05-14 - 5:44 p.m.

So 5am tomorrow will mark the beginning of my 26th year wandering this earth. Its just another day, so why is it obvious to anyone around me that i'm struggling with something?

Its not the age - hell if i start fretting over my age at 26 i'll have to just off myself by 40. Nah that's just a number. Maybe i have a few less claims to the innocence of youth in dismissing my mistakes, but oh well, you have to grow up sometime.

The real issue...what is gripping at my heart beyond all rationalization i've tried to produce. For the first year of my life she won't be there.

Its been over a month now i've had to grieve, to understand and get used to the idea that she won't be here, she isn't here, not physically. So why on this stupid little day does it hurt so badly?