2000-05-04 - 9:25 p.m.

Odd experience. Contemplating your own depression while living it. I know I'm in a pretty deep depression at the moment. I can see through it in some moments to behave rationally...but sometimes it over rules.

So I've been thinking about it. About how I'm acting. I don't know what set me off on it today but I was singing the winnie the pooh song. Its stuck with me and I downloaded it. It calmed me in some odd manner...it was strangely soothing. It felt as if I were a child again cuddled up safely with a blanket and good thoughts.

This afternoon I was craving a good talk with mom. I called her three times at least.

so I guess I become a child again...with childhood fears and insecurities and longings. I guess I remember finally how scared I used to be sometimes that they'd just stop loving me. I don't know where I got this from. I just know as a child I always dreaded it. As a teen I tried to please them in every way such that their opinions became my own. Their opinions still mean to much to me today. So when I'm depressed....I worry that friends and lovers are going to stop loving me at any moment. I fear being alone, terrified it will be forever.

Goddamn I'm fucked up.

2000-05-01 - 9:56 p.m.

Ahhh...time my old friend. You do ease the wounds of days gone by. I'm subdued tonight...deep in thought far far away and I'm not sure why. Sitting here I thought suddenly of SelfishOne. I realized, it had been quite awhile since I'd thought of him. Its getting easier...the hole he left is filling in. I hugged myself in the memories for a moment - choosing only the good things. My thoughts moved on.

And there I was with Ted. And suddenly it all makes sense. I've been celebrating my freedom lately..dancing and smiling in the sunshine of this gorgeous springtime. Inside it has felt as if something - some small part of me - is weak and fragile. It all makes sense.

We would have married this year...that was the plan when he slipped that ring on my finger. We told no one...but we silently made plans. It was going to be a fairytale. The 19th of May 20001. How funny that I'll be attending a wedding that day. How meloncholy it makes me that its not my own.

Life isn't a fairytale. Its not all about a happy ending. Its a lot of happy and sad endings woven together into an amazing thing. It just hurts a lot sometimes but if you stand back and look its beautiful.

From time to time I can stand far away and see my white knight in the distance. I can almost hold his hand...I can see through his eyes and find things amazing and exciting and live all the fairytales. Its a nice dream...and I cherish those that let me dream through their eyes and dance with their souls.

I love you O. I love you Quivas. I love you Grampy. I love you Dad. I love you Tim. I love you Ted.

You've all been my white knight at one time or another.