2000-05-04 - 9:25 p.m.

Odd experience. Contemplating your own depression while living it. I know I'm in a pretty deep depression at the moment. I can see through it in some moments to behave rationally...but sometimes it over rules.

So I've been thinking about it. About how I'm acting. I don't know what set me off on it today but I was singing the winnie the pooh song. Its stuck with me and I downloaded it. It calmed me in some odd manner...it was strangely soothing. It felt as if I were a child again cuddled up safely with a blanket and good thoughts.

This afternoon I was craving a good talk with mom. I called her three times at least.

so I guess I become a child again...with childhood fears and insecurities and longings. I guess I remember finally how scared I used to be sometimes that they'd just stop loving me. I don't know where I got this from. I just know as a child I always dreaded it. As a teen I tried to please them in every way such that their opinions became my own. Their opinions still mean to much to me today. So when I'm depressed....I worry that friends and lovers are going to stop loving me at any moment. I fear being alone, terrified it will be forever.

Goddamn I'm fucked up.