2001-02-11 - 06:21:51

"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that."

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I've been reading these words over and over again. The sentiment is one that has really made me what I am today. The expectations that my parents held me to as well as teachers and peers. If these people had never challenged me to be more than I was I never could have accomplished what I have. But these words, this sentiment does not come without folly.

SelfishOne has been dwelling on my mind lately. It was October when I moved out of the Cambridge residence. Only a few short months that freedom has been mine. I have a lot of healing to do, and as I mentioned in a previous entry, perhaps its time to seek some outside help in this. For the moment however I think I'll engage in some introspection on the topic of SelfishOne and see if I can come to any sense of closure.

It was just this time last year that SelfishOne and I began to draw closer. We had come together at the tail end of my rather tragic engagement in Georgia. (A story for another time) I was a mess at that point, a terrified and wounded child far away from home. At his urging, as well as that of my parents and friends in the NorthEast, I moved home when the fall term let out. I arranged to finish school as a transient student and I moved into my parents house in Maine to "lick my wounds" for a bit.

Soon I began to spend almost every weekend in Boston. SelfishOne became my refuge and he encouraged me to rebuild my life. (With him at the center) I never realized exactly what I was doing.

SelfishOne introduced me to a new world. A world of intoxication and indulgence. A world I now look back upon with regret and say many thanks that I suffer no more than emotional wounds from the experience. So drugs and sexual satisfaction became the pursuits. Every weekend was spent in his bed, drawing from his bong and experiencing a freedom of sexuality I had never known.

I learned to play both sides of the field, it thrilled him to have finally conquered that part of me. He urged me to arrange situations, find new partners for us and stretch my limits in the sexual realm.

I did it. I guess it was the acceptance that I got from him for it that motivated me. Each new experience left me lying pleasured in his arms. The more outrageous the higher the praise and the more 'love' he gave me. (Someone want to hit me over the head with the dictionary definition of love? I don't think this was it)

So that's where it all started. But there are limits to what anyone will do. And over time most anything can become monotonous. So praise dissipated and passions burned with less fervor, and I found myself cast back to my own more frequently.

Ahh perhaps I forgot to mention, I was never his only lover. SelfishOne claimed he was loyal to me in that he always in the end would dump the flavor of the month girl and return to my bed. Too bad that never felt like loyalty as I laid in my room listening to the sounds of sex come from his.

Sex was love right? Well it certainly wasn't satisfying me. When I moved to Cambridge at the end of school I thought life was starting fresh and new and wonderful with him at my side and sharing an apartment.

Things degraded fast. I couldn't do anything right. My job was inadequate and my coworkers absolute dolts. My personal habits were abhorant (I often put the toilet paper on the dispenser the wrong way or left the blinds unclipped. How dare I! Most everything elicited yelling and degrading comments. Hell according to him I couldn't even manage to take care of my cat. (Anyone that knows me, knows that Noah is my pride and joy and that I take impeccable care of him).

Anything could set him off and nothing was sacred. Every facet of my life was subject to his constant scrutiny. Every time I enraged him I could come to expect the sound of another girl in his room. "You're bad..No Sex for You." Sex = Love. "You're bad..No Love for You." (SelfishOne is the love nazi)

So I tried to be different. I cleaned his house, accepted his opinions as my own, adopted his friends, blocked out my own friends and family. His world became mine and my world went black.

Starting to sound like a classic case of emotional and verbal abuse yet?

Well in September it all came to a head. He was pursuing sleeping with my cousin. I could hardly bare the thought. I returned from a 2 week business trip longing to fall into his arms. But when I called to arrange for him to pick me up at the airport he said he had better things to do. I'd met Quivas a few weeks earlier when him and BongBoy had come over to visit. (God did SelfishOne hate that!). So I phoned in a favor and Quivas was there to pick me up.

It didn't take long for us to connect. Quivas seemed so loving and gentle and sweet. He was everything SelfishOne was not. He wanted a relationship..he loved who I was, he didn't care if I was fat or didn't want crazy sexual escapades. Quivas wanted to talk to me, to share opinions, to debate and listen and consider me an equal. Novel concept.

It didn't take Quivas long to see what SelfishOne was doing to me. With a loving and accepting influence by my side (and the urging of good friends at work) it didn't take me long to see the truth of the situation either.

That truth was painful.

Long story short. I eventually moved out. He moved another girl in and lives his Selfish life however he damn well pleases. I'm better off without him.

I'm building my own life now. I don't need anyone to hold me up. Its nice to know that Quivas is there though. (He reminds me I'm strong when I forget)

So why am I dwelling on this tonight? When I moved I cast out most everything pertaining to SelfishOne. All the possessions and memories were left behind, or so I thought. We were at my house the other night when Quivas asked for a sweatshirt to wear because he was cold. I dug through my closet and came out with a hoodie which I handed to him.

It didn't strike me until later where it had come from. I sat there later and just stared. It belonged to the SelfishOne.

Quivas was wearing it again tonight. I don't want to make an issue of it. I'll just take it tomorrow when I go and find a nice dumpster to donate it to.

Blah..long rant...no catharsis....not even entertaining. My apologies.

Perhaps I'll try sleep. Novel concept at 2am

Oops..there was supposed to a point. SelfishOne always claimed that he never abused me in any way. He says he only held me to high expectations in an effort to help me improve myself. There's a difference...and sometimes a fine line between these two things. Remember as you push someone to improve, don't ask them to forget what makes them who they are in the first place. Improvement is not rebirth or recreation, its the building up upon the existing foundation. Build with love, the result is much nicer.