The difficult thing about life is that you don't get the answer to the why's any other way but waiting for time to show you the lesson you have to learn.

So something bad or difficult happens and you have to wait a lot of times for the revelation...the greater meaning behind the suffering you must go through. Sometimes this wait makes you want to pull your hair out, sometimes it makes you want to give up.

I've been there, hell somedays i think i live in that place of existence where the why's are just too consuming. Where it would be easier to forsake so many things to ease the pain and difficulty of life.

Sometimes life gives you little answers to these questions that seem to only bring up more questions. In a time i'm trying to let go of the longing for my grandmother here on this physical plane i have to wonder why the reminders of her life have to be so plentiful. And then it comes down to looking at the glass half full or half empty. Do i cry because i don't want to remember and hurt or do i smile because her memory remains so strong beside me, her spirit so vibrant in my life?

In the middle of a horrendous shift there sits a person who sees my name tag and asks, are you Bill's Grand-daughter. And suddenly there it is again, the memories or my grandparents dearly departed dancing around in my head. Why now? Why do i meet all these people now coming forth with memories i've cried for all my life? Why now when she's no longer here to prod her for more. I don't know. I don't know how to process this sometimes, there's such a mixture of feelings within me about the fact that this has happened numerous times over the past few weeks.

Truth is i don't want to be sad anymore at the memories, longing for corporeal things that are no longer but I'm just not ready to let go of all the grief. But i suspect the answer to this why which will someday come is that these things, these moments were gifted to me specifically so that i might learn to keep the memories close, realize their spirits within me, know that from wherever they exist away from this earth, they know i will make them proud.

There are other questions, the whys that run through my head in every day. I guess the trick becomes to accept a quiet patience, that the answers come in time and that is the journey of life, amazing as it is.

After all, there are questions that have been answered with amazing amazing things lately....that gives hope for future answers

Life is a journey, there's no escaping it, no getting off the bus when things get too hard, there's no real hiding even.

Sometimes you're just ready to curl up for awhile, wishing you were a catapillar and the day had come for you to take refuge in your cocoon in hopes of emerging in the future as something more beautiful.

But there's no such reality in our lives. We don't get to cocoon, what is there must be faced and there's little room around it, and if you find your way around it....you won't emerge as a butterfly.

butterflies...

faeries.....

the little girl dreams i've held flutter from my hands. It makes me sad, it makes me want to curl up and hide.

I feel like i walk through life on the other side of a mirror, watching in horror at some of the things happening right now, but i cannot reach through, i cannot effect change. As if my life is lived by another beyond my reach and i cannot even scream to stop it, for no one hears.

Its strange...it hurts...its confusing. I don't particularly care for the feeling to be honest. There are some things that are going really well, perfect, like a dream. I have the best friends now that i've had in years and thank god for that. I have a person i can depend on no matter what, who i can trust beyond what i'd ever thought i'd trust again. So why all the tears? Why all the fear? Why all the confusion? I don't know

Sometimes there are parts of us we cannot control. Sometimes emotions can't so much be reigned in. Sometimes we simply have to hurt and live with it