2004-01-28 - 9:03 p.m.

Main Entry: ka·lei·do·scope

Pronunciation: k&-'lI-d&-"skOp

Function: noun

Etymology: Greek kalos beautiful + eidos form + English -scope -- more at IDYLL

1 : an instrument containing loose bits of colored material (as glass or plastic) between two flat plates and two plane mirrors so placed that changes of position of the bits of material are reflected in an endless variety of patterns

2 : something resembling a kaleidoscope: as a : a variegated changing pattern or scene b : a succession of changing phases or actions

- ka·lei·do·scop·ic /-"lI-d&-'skä-pik/ adjective

- ka·lei·do·scop·i·cal·ly /-pi-k(&-)lE/ adverb

I found it somewhat amusing today as I cleaned up the clutter of my life that's been irritating me as of late, that I came across the gift he gave me in those brief days when he adored me so.

I looked into that kaleidoscope and twirled it before my eyes watching the myriad of colors twist and spin and morph. I drifted back in time to remember the collection of kaleidoscopes my mother had...including one, which contained no pre-determined set of objects to reflect and morph but rather the onlooker would see in it anything they gazed upon changed and beautified by the mirrors.

I realized, the beauty i thought I had seen in him was indeed like that brought about by a kaleidoscope. I gazed upon him in wonder, seeing the beautiful changing colors that I perceived as him. I lingered in amazement at the depth of the hues before me and even reached out a few times that I might touch. Only in retrospect can I see that when I reached out to touch the illusion faded as it faded completely over time as well to reveal that the beauty was the product of mirrors, skillfully aligned, carefully pieced together to create a beautiful illusion before me.

I've ceased to look through the kaleidoscope at him anymore. The feelings of disgust and shame and vulgarity of what was done wash over me in honesty now, the knowledge of his deception and dishonesty lingers in my mind, but in time it too will pass.

He seemed so beautiful that even I sometimes now wish to look at him again through the glass...but there is no returning to that. The illusion is shattered, the mirrors broken and the sharp pieces of glass lay only as hazard around the ugly figure of truth.

2004-01-16 - 8:57 p.m.

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

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and so tonight I know pain, and if I were disciplined I'd sit and watch it move inside me and discover more about myself, but i do not wish for discipline tonight, I wish to linger in this pain, soak in it, rot in it...let it consume. I don't want to be strong in my pain tonight. I don't want to close my eyes and see the children I once knew as almost my own, the life I lived oblivious and happy.

Why after 4 years do you come back to take more from me? Did you not take enough when your sceming further eroded my trust in all people and tore two precious children from my arms?

All these things I'd locked away in their safe little compartment, safely stowed in the past and you have to come back and take more and unlock the chest of long ago memories so that I might shed more tears for them?

The Wise One says let anger take you here, do not allow yourself to dwell in grief and sorrow but embrace the strength of your anger and rebel against the memories that threaten your tranquility. I am not a creature of anger....it is fleeting only within me. What lies within is a soft and tender child who cannot stop the hurt tonight.

2004-01-12 - 8:59 p.m.

Sometimes in life we go so long absorbed in our problems that we forget to see the blessings. Sometimes we forget the blessings we've taken time to see in the past and the lessons those moments of realizations have taught us. During this time when there's so much turmoil and change for me I tend to forget these things. Tonight I had the opportunity to be reminded of one I take far too much for granted.

You see, whatever power exists above this world blessed me with a person in my life who has known many roles, yet probably never consciously realized any of them beyond the fact that she loved me, she missed me when I wasn't around and always had a hug to give me. Nancy was my best friend when I was child, we played in her school house and dressed her dolls and colored and sang and were silly. I never saw her graying hair back then...not in those early days.

Then I grew up, and sometimes I became embarassed by her. Friends would look and giggle sometimes when my grandmother or parents brought her to see me perform in a school event. I didn't want to play with her dolls or in her school house, now I saw her graying hair and didn't understand fully why she wasn't an adult. Or perhaps more-so from my own mis-placed embrassment I didn't want to see.

As an adult I've seen quite clearly at times the blessing she is in my life. The things that her existence, love and happiness have given me that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Nancy is mentally handicapped, she will always be the child I long ago stopped being. Perhaps her life is more richly blessed at times for that fact. She doesn't see what I see in the world. She doesn't often stop smiling either.

I've been exploring the idea of impermanence and I realized tonight by some odd twist that this is the exact state that most of the time she lives in. Tomorrow exists, so does yesterday but much more important to her at almost every turn is this moment, today, the person she's with and the activity she's currently involved in.

When I thought about these things tonight a bit of shame came over me. I don't give her enough of my time, I don't share her smiles enough, I don't try to create them enough and in that I fail to say thank you for all she's done in my life.

When you look at a handicapped person what do you see? I can honestly say that through all my life what I have never felt for Nancy is pity. I'm proud of this fact. You see Nancy doesn't need or desire my pity...to her there's nothing to pity.

I don't know where I was going with this, I just felt like I had to say it. Thank you Nancy, for being just who you are. I wish the world could all know you and the lessons you've taught me.