"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.” Joss Whedon
Passion is my ruler, long has been and long will be....and for such i am greatful. My heart leads fast and furious, my head sometimes lingers behind but not so far behind that i'm reckless or careless, i may get my heart broken from time to time, but my heart mends well and the joy i've known in love has always been worth the risks. It is that empty room, that shuttered dank that i fear, i fear it more than any heartbreak. I know how to heal from the wounds, i can trace each scar upon my heart and with atleast a faint smile and recount to you how it came to be, there are sweet old memories behind each one and i choose the joy in the memory not the pain that left the scar to move forward with.
Some may look at me and call me silly, i still feel that patter of my heart from time to time, the beautiful rush of hope, of potential......i fly high on the beauty of maybe. And yes, that sets me up for a great fall...so call me humpty dumpty. Let me fly....god how i love to fly - if i fall, my pieces will reconnect again i assure you, i will not be dashed so completely i cannot repair, but i need to soar every now and again, just to remember that i can touch the sky. And maybe...someday.....i'll stay up there.
I know you want to protect me, and i want you to, ground me where i need ground me and slow me where i need slowing, but share with me the joy too please, i beg you. When i called today i did so because i am passion, i am excitement, i am a little girl all a flutter with something i haven't known in a very long time.....so please, understand just a little and play with me in my big field of daisys.....i'm dancing, dance with me too....i want you to feel this joy i'm feeling. If i fall down and cry tomorrow i won't make you patch me up if that's what you want, i'll let you say i told you so, if that's what you need, just please, dance with me a little, today. Oh because i so want to dance. Does it make sense? Can you understand?
i hope someday you do understand
because its the cornerstone of who i am
as honestly and truthfully as i can put it, and maybe someday you'll get that......
i'm not confused, i'm not flighty, i'm not risky....i'm just...passion, open and true and free.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Chewing Potato chips with your mouth open within my earshot could likely lead to your demise.
Honestly, chewing potato chips at all within earshot is risky. I have an anger management issue around hearing people chew. Its perhaps one of the reasons my ex N and i are ex's - well no, its not one of the pivital issues, there were lots of them, and we're better as friends, just plain better. But there were nights we had to eat dinner in our 3 story duplex at least 2 stories apart with the tv on so i didn't strangle him over the chewing noise. Sad but true.
Okay that's really not what i came to blog about - but there's a pansy ass float nurse from the ICU who is dressed adorably in pink and almost had to return to her unit as a patient - i wrote, she lived. She's now finished her bag of chips and moved on to her myspace page - which is also adorably pink. I'm not sure she's actually interacted with a patient all night - sometimes those ICU nurses don't know you're expected to do that down here - you know, where the patients are conscious and all....*rolls eyes*
Alright i'll stop being snippy - i just checked and all her patients still have pulses, i even put them on telemetry monitors so i can make sure they stay alive all night...no, i doubt she'll realize there's no order for this.
Anyway - enough about that....
What was i really here to write about....
You know tonight is just one of those wierd nights. There's a Red Sox party at my house, i'm at work. 10 people in my apartment overlooking the city, and here i am instead hanging blocks from Fenway at the hospital hoping someone leaves my keys at the concierge desk and maybe a beer in my fridge.
I spent an hour this morning trying desperately to procure Phish tickets, i wrote the weekend of their reuniting concert into my next contract, i had such high hopes until he called this morning and said he'd forgotten the tickets went on sale today. Of course by the they had sold out. Maybe just maybe some will fall in our laps and my trip to Virginia to dance like a hippie goddess won't be only a pipe dream.....hey not that i don't love my little pipe dreams...but this one i really would have liked to come true. The land of lizards has long been my happy place, and i love my round room and the velvet sea. Its not too often i really want to go to a concert, but it would have been nice to see them....to spark one up and float away and remember how free it can feel.....
I met a man tonight who has possibly lost everything...he's lost his his job, he's lost his chance most would think at a wife, at children at most normalcy. He's lost his voice to cancer and now his ability to eat. Yet he smiles, and we laugh, and we figure out a way to communicate in mime and lip reading and sign language.....he teaches me how to feed him, how to suction his airway, how to talk to him...and together we unravel the mystery of his happiness. And i am blessed. He doesn't grumble at being woken every 2 hours, he smiles and thanks me for the kindness of my care, and somewhere inside he breaks my heart and rebuilds my spirit. We watched the sox game together and i made sure his surroundings were exactly the way he liked, and we talked, in our own way, in every spare moment until he fell asleep...and maybe for a moment, all was right in both of our worlds and everything lost....didnt matter one bit.
i'm still afraid...afraid of letting someone in, afraid of not...but i'm taking baby steps. Protection feels good, and maybe honestly, i forgot that someone was there to do that - please understand Mami its not meant to offend when i say that, its not a reflection on you - i've just relied on myself for a very long time. Old habits die hard...i've wanted to believe that someone else was there to protect me and hold me and love me for so long, but in the end there it was..the bottom line, the protection...was me.
Yeah it would definately be time to shut the hell up....
Honestly, chewing potato chips at all within earshot is risky. I have an anger management issue around hearing people chew. Its perhaps one of the reasons my ex N and i are ex's - well no, its not one of the pivital issues, there were lots of them, and we're better as friends, just plain better. But there were nights we had to eat dinner in our 3 story duplex at least 2 stories apart with the tv on so i didn't strangle him over the chewing noise. Sad but true.
Okay that's really not what i came to blog about - but there's a pansy ass float nurse from the ICU who is dressed adorably in pink and almost had to return to her unit as a patient - i wrote, she lived. She's now finished her bag of chips and moved on to her myspace page - which is also adorably pink. I'm not sure she's actually interacted with a patient all night - sometimes those ICU nurses don't know you're expected to do that down here - you know, where the patients are conscious and all....*rolls eyes*
Alright i'll stop being snippy - i just checked and all her patients still have pulses, i even put them on telemetry monitors so i can make sure they stay alive all night...no, i doubt she'll realize there's no order for this.
Anyway - enough about that....
What was i really here to write about....
You know tonight is just one of those wierd nights. There's a Red Sox party at my house, i'm at work. 10 people in my apartment overlooking the city, and here i am instead hanging blocks from Fenway at the hospital hoping someone leaves my keys at the concierge desk and maybe a beer in my fridge.
I spent an hour this morning trying desperately to procure Phish tickets, i wrote the weekend of their reuniting concert into my next contract, i had such high hopes until he called this morning and said he'd forgotten the tickets went on sale today. Of course by the they had sold out. Maybe just maybe some will fall in our laps and my trip to Virginia to dance like a hippie goddess won't be only a pipe dream.....hey not that i don't love my little pipe dreams...but this one i really would have liked to come true. The land of lizards has long been my happy place, and i love my round room and the velvet sea. Its not too often i really want to go to a concert, but it would have been nice to see them....to spark one up and float away and remember how free it can feel.....
I met a man tonight who has possibly lost everything...he's lost his his job, he's lost his chance most would think at a wife, at children at most normalcy. He's lost his voice to cancer and now his ability to eat. Yet he smiles, and we laugh, and we figure out a way to communicate in mime and lip reading and sign language.....he teaches me how to feed him, how to suction his airway, how to talk to him...and together we unravel the mystery of his happiness. And i am blessed. He doesn't grumble at being woken every 2 hours, he smiles and thanks me for the kindness of my care, and somewhere inside he breaks my heart and rebuilds my spirit. We watched the sox game together and i made sure his surroundings were exactly the way he liked, and we talked, in our own way, in every spare moment until he fell asleep...and maybe for a moment, all was right in both of our worlds and everything lost....didnt matter one bit.
i'm still afraid...afraid of letting someone in, afraid of not...but i'm taking baby steps. Protection feels good, and maybe honestly, i forgot that someone was there to do that - please understand Mami its not meant to offend when i say that, its not a reflection on you - i've just relied on myself for a very long time. Old habits die hard...i've wanted to believe that someone else was there to protect me and hold me and love me for so long, but in the end there it was..the bottom line, the protection...was me.
Yeah it would definately be time to shut the hell up....
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Sitting Waiting Wishing.....
i loved him.....but this song was the theme song of my life...
and now,
i sing again.
But this time i live, and either you understand, and we grow, and we get through this, or
i'll skip on down this path alone.....i love you, but i won't lock up and die again, not for anyone.
The offer is open, live life with me, not against me, but i will not cease to live.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
When whoever's in New England's Through With me....
The warm weather and water of the gulf coast awaits.....
i signed today with a Florida hospital along the gulf coast...and let the traveling again ensue. When the snow starts to fly just after the holidays i'll pack the car and find myself on a week long road trip, visiting a few friends on my drive down the eastern seaboard and across to my new home for 3 months. The job is a new challenge of skills and a building of self, and i return to a land of sand between my toes and warm waters and palm trees.
The idea of leaving always comes with mixed emotions....but i know in 6 months the winds will blow me back to this side of the world again and the amazing people here i call family....maybe a little bit of self and sun and sand is what i need in the interim......i miss my tevas.
And at least my little peanut's other grandparents live only a few hours down the coast - i'll see her during these months - a strategy to my location choice - she grows too fast to go any great length of time without seeing. My house as always is open for visits.....and i have no doubt there are others that are lining up to come too - warmer climes tend to attract wintertime visits. Will i be seeing you among the sand and the palm trees? I make a mean mango mojito.......just leave your flip flops by the door and come on in.
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