Chewing Potato chips with your mouth open within my earshot could likely lead to your demise.

Honestly, chewing potato chips at all within earshot is risky. I have an anger management issue around hearing people chew. Its perhaps one of the reasons my ex N and i are ex's - well no, its not one of the pivital issues, there were lots of them, and we're better as friends, just plain better. But there were nights we had to eat dinner in our 3 story duplex at least 2 stories apart with the tv on so i didn't strangle him over the chewing noise. Sad but true.

Okay that's really not what i came to blog about - but there's a pansy ass float nurse from the ICU who is dressed adorably in pink and almost had to return to her unit as a patient - i wrote, she lived. She's now finished her bag of chips and moved on to her myspace page - which is also adorably pink. I'm not sure she's actually interacted with a patient all night - sometimes those ICU nurses don't know you're expected to do that down here - you know, where the patients are conscious and all....*rolls eyes*

Alright i'll stop being snippy - i just checked and all her patients still have pulses, i even put them on telemetry monitors so i can make sure they stay alive all night...no, i doubt she'll realize there's no order for this.

Anyway - enough about that....

What was i really here to write about....

You know tonight is just one of those wierd nights. There's a Red Sox party at my house, i'm at work. 10 people in my apartment overlooking the city, and here i am instead hanging blocks from Fenway at the hospital hoping someone leaves my keys at the concierge desk and maybe a beer in my fridge.

I spent an hour this morning trying desperately to procure Phish tickets, i wrote the weekend of their reuniting concert into my next contract, i had such high hopes until he called this morning and said he'd forgotten the tickets went on sale today. Of course by the they had sold out. Maybe just maybe some will fall in our laps and my trip to Virginia to dance like a hippie goddess won't be only a pipe dream.....hey not that i don't love my little pipe dreams...but this one i really would have liked to come true. The land of lizards has long been my happy place, and i love my round room and the velvet sea. Its not too often i really want to go to a concert, but it would have been nice to see them....to spark one up and float away and remember how free it can feel.....

I met a man tonight who has possibly lost everything...he's lost his his job, he's lost his chance most would think at a wife, at children at most normalcy. He's lost his voice to cancer and now his ability to eat. Yet he smiles, and we laugh, and we figure out a way to communicate in mime and lip reading and sign language.....he teaches me how to feed him, how to suction his airway, how to talk to him...and together we unravel the mystery of his happiness. And i am blessed. He doesn't grumble at being woken every 2 hours, he smiles and thanks me for the kindness of my care, and somewhere inside he breaks my heart and rebuilds my spirit. We watched the sox game together and i made sure his surroundings were exactly the way he liked, and we talked, in our own way, in every spare moment until he fell asleep...and maybe for a moment, all was right in both of our worlds and everything lost....didnt matter one bit.

i'm still afraid...afraid of letting someone in, afraid of not...but i'm taking baby steps. Protection feels good, and maybe honestly, i forgot that someone was there to do that - please understand Mami its not meant to offend when i say that, its not a reflection on you - i've just relied on myself for a very long time. Old habits die hard...i've wanted to believe that someone else was there to protect me and hold me and love me for so long, but in the end there it was..the bottom line, the protection...was me.

Yeah it would definately be time to shut the hell up....