2002-01-28 - 10:51 a.m.

and the days pass...

with a mixture of meloncholy and smiles I walk on. I cannot say that my life is bad right now, though i maintain it is a little lonely. It is the person I am and though I could change it I choose not to. I'm content at the moment to admire some from afar and revel in myself a little more.

Bittersweet moments fill my days. Remembrances of how things were with lovers, friends and even work. Short glimpses that is may become what it once was again, and then a turn back into the current unrest.

Its not bad, things have to grow and change. I must smile to think of the people in my life at the moment who have done so very much to keep me smiling and happy. I can't regret the turn I've taken towards calmness. Hysterical crying has put itself on the back burner and I seem more even keeled, though sometimes i'm quite convinced its contrived.

For those worrying about me, I am a big girl and I appreciate your concern but I assure you, my strength is rebuilding. Though I hide in my cucoon now I will emerge in the future shining and free. I am not unhappy in this place and its solitude. I am busy growing. And when I move on from this moment I will do so with eyes open aware of my risks and accepting them.

My heart will be hurt again I know. I will survive.

To my shakespeare - ye gods but I love you and am endeared to you so in these past few weeks. None other has shared such a spirit with me in ways that you do and I have spent many an hour wallowing in thoughts of what our friendship is. If I can be a voice that makes you smile in teh darkest moments than I will never regret our friendship for all its ups and downs. I walk by your side though I have never touched your face.

To J, you touch me in ways I thought I would never want again. But there are difficulties and distance and things that cannot be overcome. If I have learned one thing it is not to walk the same path over again and I fear that we may find the path to be very similar to one I have just left. You are my heart...you are my aragorn in so many ways but perhaps the distance will always be a blessing that we might not destroy in eachother the things we so love.

To quivas, my shining friend and lover. How the dark depths of your eyes tore my soul this weekend. How holding you felt so bittersweet, how moments went past when it seemed that it had all been a nightmare. But nothing has changed and our lives must still diverge until perhaps someday when we have grown and learned and changed enough to find one another again. Accepting that if you love something you must let it go, if it returns to you its yours, if it does not, you never had it anyways....has been the hardest thing. We can put no definitive answers down we can make no timeline and we know that waht we once shared may never be so again. It saddens my heart but I cannot live with us both unhappy, it is not fair and its time to start pursuing greater goals. do not frown my pet, my love for we will be alright and through this time we will wander and grow and learn. How it tears at me to remember you lying there, the soul and life seemingly gone from you. My heart has cried since you left for the pain I cannot take away. but we know the reality and we know our love and all we can do is walk on...apart.

To SoulMaster, what can I say but that the days are sweeter for you in them. Never has the sense of love and protection followed me so deep. I know in all moments that you are there and that is comfort even in the darkest of nights. There are so many difficulties so many questions but we will answer them in time. for now the warmth of your embrace and the strength of our friendship is all we need to walk on.

To me...

you are strong, you are beautiful and you are amazing. Let not your fears and self doubt erase this knowledge from you. You have lived through more than you should but regret and bitterness are not the tastes you know and that shall continue evermore. You have a sweet soul so deserving of happiness but we must no lose heart...it will come someday.

No one can love another who does not first love themself.

2002-01-21 - 12:10 a.m.

We are the original pitiful two...

one can have a good day and inevitably the other is terribly miserable. We make a good pair. Between us life is cruel, unfair and downright rotten 365 days a year. Sometimes we take a break for a major holiday - but its rare.

We spend more energy I swear talking eachother out of depression, swapping the same good advice back and forth like a pair of shoes - problem is we never use the advice we give eachother.

We know our problems, we even have some damn good ideas about how to solve them...but then some of the melodrama would stop. My god! What would life be without the drama?

We're more alike than I'd ever admit...I get these feelings when I know that I just have to talk to him. He doesn't call...I think he has trouble with his ability to dial. I don't care...we both know we're there when needed..its an unspoken law.

But we're miserable...absolutely miserable. To the point - you miss us off if we are made to laugh. How dare you break my grumpy poor pitiful me mood!

Its an endless cycle...and hell yeah it can be fun...especially when we break down and both laugh together. But its a cycle one of us has to learn to break - and then hopefully teach the other.

I don't need a man in my life to fuck me to make me whole or happy. You don't need a woman. Plain and simple right?

Sex doesn't solve a damn thing and love isn't built out of what's comfortable alone.

I ramble entirely too much and I lack your eloquance. I think I lack the ability to spell also.

Ok - I need lunch - that's enough for now.

Don't laugh damnit...we're moping today. Life is utter despair and will only improve if we keep a scowl deeply planted on our lips! man a fuck would solve all this...

W00t - yes I need help