2001-03-27 - 08:09 p.m.

The cool edge of the blade

Catches the light cast from a flickering candle

The light jumps and plays happily on the metal

It turns in my hand

The pressure begins slow and steady

The red shows around the blade

Slowly, now faster it runs

The heart beats faster

It flows steadily now..beautiful and free

It runs over the metal down the hand

The excruciating beautiful sensation rings through

My body relaxes

I control this, I start this exquisite pain

It is mine to end when I so choose

The gorgeous flow of red so beautiful

The piercing screaming blue pain fills me

I can feel this when I can feel nothing else

I can control this when I can control nothing else

There's a terrifying beauty to it

There's a horrifying amazing release

2001-03-27 - 12:06 p.m.

The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride from hell. Yesterday morning, for some identifiable reason I began to feel absolutely empty inside. I felt alone, terrified and empty and couldn't determine a cause. I cried to Quivas and he held me tight and he was my saving grace yesterday. He took me home after an incredibly hard day at work - this launch is going to kill me. He held me so close and so tight and in my weakness I think we came closer than ever. It made me think about how hard it must be on the men in my life sometimes. I'm an agressive, headstrong career woman. Now while that's an attractive feature a lot of the time it can be intimidating as well. Perhaps I need to let Quivas see that vunerable side more than I do. I just needed him, I told him, thanked him for how wonderful he was and I curled up in his arms. In the middle of the night we made love with more passion than I think we ever had.

So in my vunerability and weakness I found a gift and I'm thankful for that. His amazing calm and care are still with me this morning. My cell phone rang at 7:30am and I feel like part of me was absolutely crushed. I sit here at work an absolute mess..I'm so emotionally exhausted from this morning that I can hardly keep track of time or task. This is not a good situation with the public launch of the biggest project of my career scheduled for 5:00. Quivas is being a saint again..he checks on my frequently and he's being extra affectionate and sweet and supportive. God I really do love him.

So..back to what happened this morning. My aunt called - I usually don't have a huge amount of contact other than holidays with the extended family (besides my grandfather). So I was suprised to hear her voice. She launched quickly into a discussion which has torn my heart apart.

I'm not welcome at the family Easter celebration. Likely due to this there won't even be one. There's a lot of history behind this which I will explain when I return from smoking.

I'm back. My head just blew off, spun around 3 times and landed back on my shoulders. I guess I should be happy it landed on my shoulders.

Anyway - the history. When the abuse with SelfishOne began to really destroy me and my friends started urging me and helping me to find the strength to leave the situation, my cousin moved in to make matters worse. She has come into my life in the past and taken things from me. She did it again. She came in, wanted SelfishOne and pursued him to no end. He wanted to sleep with her...she with him. When I finally left she did the deed, she taunted me and ground salt in the wound on top of it. She called me to tell me she's christened my old bedroom, my papasan chair that Tim had refused to let me take and my former lover/friend/abuser. Perhaps it shouldn't have hurt as much as it did - after all I was better off without him in my life. But leaving an abuse situation is a very traumatic and the emotions are confusing and extremely difficult. She continued to taunt me and betray me and act like a spoiled child taking delight in my pain.

I was at a place in my life that most anything could have broken me. My only lifeline was my family and my close friends here in MA and they were a godsend. But the betrayal by a family member was more than I could bear. In an effort - a desperate struggle to survive I gave her one last chance to apologize and show remorse for her cruelty. She refused. I told her then that I could not consider her family anymore..that blood only takes an obligation so far. She continued for months to send e-mails or instant messages saying "are you over it yet". They only made matters worse and my decision more firm. I couldn't let a person this vile and cruel destroy me anymore. To me she no longer exists as family.

It was perhaps the hardest decision of my life. I can forgive many many things. My friends have betrayed me and hurt me many times before (we're all bound to do stupid things) and I grant forgiveness freely if asked. Exiling people from my life is not usually an option - in fact I've only done it this once. It feels like shit, I hate it, but its what I had to do.

Anyone that knows me knows full well how important my grandfather is to me. For his sake I attended family celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I acted civil to her but made no attempts to engage in any conversation. I quietly put aside her gifts to me, unwrapped. I said no ill words, made no negative actions in her direction..cold civility. It was the least I could do for the rest of my family whom I love dearly. It was the best for my grandfather who struggles with enough day to day.

Now I am not welcome at Easter. Cold civility is not acceptable and I'm faced with the altimatum - make up with her or do not come. Call it stubborn pride, trivialize my feelings however you wish. I will not make a move towards her. I cannot, will not forgive and forget cold heartless cruelty. I can't erase the nights she caused me to bawl my eyes out. She's never expressed one ounce of remorse for what she did to me...she continues her games and as a result I am exiled.

What can I do? For my own sake I cannot put this aside, make ammends and go happily to a holiday celebration. I have worked too hard to heal from what SelfishOne put me through..what She in turn put me through to relent..to cave. I feel a double betrayal by being asked not to come. (though on some level I understand my aunt and uncle's dilemma) I cannot ask my parents, brother and grandparents not to celebrate this holiday with them and the great grandchildren, and yet my absence will no doubt cause my grandfather great pain. He won't understand why I'm not there..if I explain the true reasons it will hurt him more.

I cannot win in this situation - I can destroy myself for others or hurt others for myself. I don't even know at this point if I could honestly step foot in their house. They view me as a horrible person no doubt for exiling their daughter from my life, at least I had reason. (they'll never see that though)

I feel like there's a million pound weight on my shoulders. I feel every emotion of the abuse and that situation all over again. I feel like SelfishOne has gained further victory. I feel like she has gained further reward for her selfish deeds. How can I ask anyone to truly understand...my friends and Quivas of course do..but not the family.

I don't know where to go..where to turn..what to do right now. I'm a good person and I fail to understand why such pain is my lot. I don't deserve this. I don't know how much more I can withstand.

2001-03-25 - 09:01 a.m.

He SUCKS. I don't need to feel guilty for not putting myself through the hell called visiting my brother. I saw him just a few weeks ago. Nothing essentially has changed since then. I don't care to sit around and get annoyed by his attitude and treatment of me. Talking to him on the phone once a month or so would tide me over just fine thank you.

So my best friend is dating him and I'm in close proximity. That does not yeild any obligation to go over there or encourage him to come here. I have very solid plans today to rest and then drive back to MA. There is absolutely no time in that for visiting and getting irritated and pissed.

I hate that he just made me feel guilty. I hate sitting here with that guilt buzzer going off in the back of my mind. What I hate even more however, is that feeling I'll leave with if I see him. I'll be degraded and put down inevitably. I will feel like he has no respect for me and all I've accomplished. I'll feel trivialized and abused. So why would I willingly submit myself to this - especially if its not a major holiday?

No one understands the rift that stands between me and him. Not even him. How could he - he'd have to stop being blind to my needs to ever understand. He grew up with a massive temper that was often taken out on me. He used to chase me around the house never relenting never leaving me be. What he wanted was what it would be or I would pay. He probably didn't hit me much more than any other brother does his sister while growing up but he did a large amount of psychological damage. He cemented in my mind for a long time that anything I said was trivial, that I had nothing valuable to contribute and I was always wrong. Talk about the root of a lot of my self esteem issues. His temper..god to this day I still tremble at some of the episodes.

So there's this massive rift. I can't even let him hug me without cringing. I'm sorry but that's the way it is and I'm not ready to get over it yet. Partly because it goes so deep into who I am but also because he's never recognized what he did to me...how it hurts me...and he still does it. So I have no want..no need to reconcile and be close to him. Inherently because he's family I love him but I do not in any way crave a closer contact at the moment.

I have my life, he has his...if he's healthy and happy then that's sufficient for me.

*sigh* its hard that nobody can understand this.

2001-03-23 - 04:03 p.m.

Yesterday's rant on disposable things that shouldn't be disposable still stands. Maybe clearer than ever.

I'm worried..terribly worried. He loves her with all his heart and that is so good for him. Wherever he is right now I know he's hurting like hell and I hate that.

He understands what she doesn't...I never wanted to take him away from her in any way. I have always been happy for them in their love. I can see how happy she makes him and I would never want to change that. I only asked for friendship. That's what I gave and that's what I wanted, nothing more nothing less.

I never wanted her place in his life. I never wanted him to part ways with a lover and a child the way I had to. I never wanted anything that threatened her position in his life.

So I'm some online floozy who's come between them now. I don't know wether to run away from his life and leave him alone hoping to make things better or stick around and be his friend through this because he needs friends. I don't know honestly which would be best.

Loving means walking away sometimes and I want what's best for him.

2001-03-22 - 11:17 p.m.

In the current state of society it seems that most everything has become disposable. We have disposable plates and cups for when you just don't want to clean. We have disposable diapers to make parenthood easier. We have disposable contacts for convienance. I'm all for things that make my life easier, but some of the sectors that have been hit by the disposable craze cause me great alarm. Our society accepts people too many times as disposable. A woman is old and her family doesn't want to be burdened - if you put her in a nursing home and never visit and never care - she's disposable. The murder rate is rising - people are disposable. Big business needs more profit - resources / people are disposable. I'm married but things are rough - divorce is easiest - people/relationships are disposable. I had a fight with my friend today...he was an ass...he's been an ass a lot lately - I think I won't talk to him anymore - people/friends are disposable.

Its disconcerting. The one that's bothering me especially at the moment is the disposable friend syndrome. People don't understand the basic principles of friendship these days. It wasn't designed as an practice by which if you're friends with this person you'll get this personal gain. It used to be a mutual thing...you gave as much as you took. It wasn't designed to be dismissed at a whim - it meant a mutual respect and love and bond which meant you could fight and scream and kick and hate eachother and still come out friends. It meant that sometimes your actions might cause eachother pain - but if your action is making you happy - that pain can be worked through. It meant that I care about you and I want to know what's going on with you good and bad. It meant you shared joy and pain together. It meant that you could know your friend would listen through hours of your talking if you needed them to. It meant you could just laugh together and be happy. It meant you knew that wherever that person was that if you really really needed them you could trust they'd always be there in your hour of need. It meant brutal honesty. It meant unconditional love.

Ok so maybe I'm an idealist and that's my interpretation of friendship. Honestly that's for the most part (not saying I never slip up) what my friends get from me. If you've earned the honest title of friend in my life - not buddy or pal or acquaintance - I have made a committment to give you that.

I'm scared that our society is losing their values. When people are expendable, violent horrible deaths are tolerable because we've become desensitized, we're quicker to sue than hug and people look at you strangly because you're nice....I think we're in trouble. It scares me. It scared me to death when I had the children. It makes me question bringing a child into this world. We're losing sight of what separates man from beast - our sense of humanity.

I've been thinking about the kids a lot. I suspect that is a big part of why I'm not sleeping. They're 7 and 11 now. Catherine is turning into quite the little woman I hear - though she desperately needs a kinder woman in her life. Timmy is adorable and happy and absolutely radiant. That's what I hear. I hope they really are overcoming the world around them. I hope their mom's horrible treatment isn't ruining their chances in this world. I'm scared that things are not as I'm told. I hate that I have no choice but to sit here and wonder with no chance of ever seeing them again.

2001-03-21 - 07:34 p.m.

It never ceases to baffle me how people respond to a little kindness. I was in a pretty good mood on the way home (despite yet another day of hellish firefighting at work)...I stopped off at a couple of stores and took care of a little plan of mine. Then I stopped by the grocery store to pick up things for dinner for me and Quivas.

In the line to pay I was joking around with the cashier and the bag boy. I like giving grocery store personell a lil fun now and then - spice up their job. They smiled and laughed and said they rarely got customers who treated them like real people rather than robots.

Then I went out to my car and another vehicle had pulled in beside me. I stood patiently while an older woman took her time getting out of the car. When she realized I was waiting she got all flustered. I simply smiled at her and remarked that it was hardly going to hurt me to wait a few seconds and she should take her time. She looked at me like I was from outer space. Then as she walked off I yelled in a friendly voice - "have a nice day". The poor woman didn't know what the hell to do.

Sad that people don't know how to react to a little kindness. So I've decided to make it my little mission for awhile to kill people with kindness. It makes me feel good and it gets some damn interesting reactions. So I'm working on the smile on my face and general good mood. Lets see if I can avoid letting daily annoyances kill it for a bit.

Happiness is a choice no? Time to choose it.

2001-03-17 - 12:36:48

God's finger touched him, and he slept.

—Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Underlying all the events of the last four years has been the ongoing struggle to face the mortality of one of the most amazing men in my life.

Last night I woke around 4. Restless, I got up and flicked on the tv. I have the habit of watching silly old sitcoms. Last night's choice was an episode of All in the Family. I can't help but think I was meant to wake and see this. Edith is working in a nursing home...she's asked to sit with a woman who is critically ill and the hospital has just sent her back saying there's nothing more they can do for her. In their conversation the dying woman expresses her anger that the hospital revived her. She talked of how she had seen the gates of heaven and her husband calling her to come. She just wanted to die...it was time, she had lived a good life. Edith held her hand and watched her slip into death with a calm and an acceptance.

Four years ago when this all started I fought like with vigour to save him. I couldn't imagine, didn't want to imagine a life without him here on earth. My grandfather has been my closest ally, my strongest role model, my best friend. The depth of our bond baffles everyone. It is one of my most treasured aspects of my life.

Over time I've come to see things differently. I've learned to accept death. I've learned that its not such a scary prospect at the end of a long life. I sit here today and I honestly wish, though I'll hurt with his loss, that he could just close his eyes one last time and in peace sleep forever.

I had a vivid dream after watching that show. I was at his side, the family was there but I sat holding his hand. There was a calm gentle look on his face, the pain was gone, the anxiety and nervousness disappeared. I sat with him and smiled and told him of my life and as I did so he slipped slowly away. My family stood outside...they were locked out. I turned from his bed after a few moments and my eyes and ears opened. They were screaming and fighting and trying to get in. I walked out of the room and they attacked me like animals. Accusations flew and anger and tears were everywhere. They didn't understand why I had let him go...why I didn't try to save him.

The world fears death. I did for a long time. We do everything possible to defy it. We create medical technologies to tear people from the grips of death, we have machines to sustain life when the body can't. While these technologies have their merit...they are also widely abused.

I used to dread losing grampy like I lost GrampyCarr before I even knew him. I used to curse God for never letting me have my other grandfather in my life. I've learned an amazing lesson though. Our mortality is a part of us. Why fight it..if you've lived a good long life...there comes time when you just want rest. You've earned it, you deserve it.

I've come to peace with GrampyCarr's death. I'll always have a measure of regret for never getting to share time with this great man. My father has told me of how much my grandfather would have loved me and been proud of who I've become. My family has told me how much of his spirit lives on in me and I treasure that. I no longer resent his death though. He died at his time...before his body plunged into degredation that limited his ability to work and do the things he loved. He passed away happy and content on a fourth of July nearly 20 years ago. He'd been watching his grandchildren play, he'd watched his business bloom and grow, he'd seen his children grow up and take their places in the world, he'd loved his wife and been at her side for years. And content and happy in a moment he sat on the front steps of his house and "God's finger touched him, and he slept." I'm glad he had all that. I'm glad he never suffered like grampyR does today.

There will come a day in the near future when finally he'll get to close his eyes and go where he longs to go. I pray my family doesn't fight it. I pray I'm there to hold his hand and be with him as he slips into eternity. I'll cry for my loss of him on earth, but rejoice that he's finally resting and I have all those precious memories to go forward with.

To everything there is a season...life's greatest lesson is learning to accept this. I love you grampy...I understand.

2001-03-14 - 19:07:23

He writes:

"In the winter of that year, I met an angel. Sent to me by God to fill a void. I made the mistake of clipping her wings, of trying to make her mine. No that wasn't the mistake, I think she held the scissors, and closed the lock on her own chains. My therapist and I have had a lot of arguments about that one.

But I did make a mistake, I told this angel that I loved her. I did love her, I still do. I don't think I could ever express what she means to me. No my mistake was to love her without allowing myself to love her unconditionally, without allowing her to share in my shame, I didn't want her to get dirty, to see that I wasn't worthy.

I tried, on so many occasions to understand where this flaw came from. Today I think I understand. I was simply unable to trust someone else because ultimately I was unable to trust myself. I was looking for a way to correct one mistake while making a larger one... not allowing others to help.

In the end my angel was left with a broken heart, and though I missed her I didn't hurt that she left. Though I know it hurt for her to break free of her chains, it seems I had lost the key to her chains.

Of course there are lots of mistakes. I took out my pain at me Christine's leaving out on the innocent ones. I didn't let my angel touch me, afraid of being hurt again. It doesn't help much to understand... the pain is still there, the sleepless night are still long, and there is still a love for my angel, though different now, that I'll never get the opportunity to express.

But in these last few months as I have come to understand some of these mistakes, I've taken steps to correct the ones I can. Soon I will graduate from school, I talk to my children every Saturday for hours and will spend some much needed time with them this summer. I've reconciled with my Mother and Father, rekindled friendships with my brother and sister. I've repaid my debt to society, and will continue to do so.

There are benefits to this hard and time consuming work, I have a great job (thanks to my education), I have mentors (through my mother and father), I have peers and friends (through my sibs and there children), I once again have love in my life (from all, but most importantly from my children), and I have the respect of my peers in church and school for my ongoing volunteer work.

In fixing all these mistakes I've made, I've found there are some we can not fix. I know in my heart you can't forgive me.... but I have to tell you again how sorry am I am that I hurt you. In all my life I've loved one person outside of my family, but for some reason I couldn't love you enough to trust you to love me back. For that I am sorry, I only wish I could have been worthy of your love, for in your arms I found a gift from God, I found a peace we only find once in our lifetimes."

They're words on a page. Relayed to me through the only form of contact I've left him, an old e-mail address. So why such a profound effect? They could be shallow words...said to ease a conscience...they could be sincere. Am I naive to trust that the sentiments are real? I'm a insane to long for the old comfort of his arms. I'm a mad to hate the now he seems to be the stable adult that I longed for him to be years ago?

I'm not so silly as to remember the time we had together as total bliss. We had huge problems...neither one of us were the adults we were pretending to be. But I know that underlying all that was the love that I've talked about. Do I let him back in somehow? In some way do I reach out or do I turn my tear stained cheeks and run in pain?

I don't know. There is no one that understands. The usual confidants are too jaded by the events that led to my leaving him to listen. My parents aren't safe ground on this one. The people that weren't there in my life through that time can't understand the depths of my emotions surrounding this. Quivas was here a few moments ago..he held me..I cried on his shoulder but I can't reveal to him in this moment the reasons why and the depth to which this is affecting me. Who do I turn to?