2001-03-27 - 12:06 p.m.

The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride from hell. Yesterday morning, for some identifiable reason I began to feel absolutely empty inside. I felt alone, terrified and empty and couldn't determine a cause. I cried to Quivas and he held me tight and he was my saving grace yesterday. He took me home after an incredibly hard day at work - this launch is going to kill me. He held me so close and so tight and in my weakness I think we came closer than ever. It made me think about how hard it must be on the men in my life sometimes. I'm an agressive, headstrong career woman. Now while that's an attractive feature a lot of the time it can be intimidating as well. Perhaps I need to let Quivas see that vunerable side more than I do. I just needed him, I told him, thanked him for how wonderful he was and I curled up in his arms. In the middle of the night we made love with more passion than I think we ever had.

So in my vunerability and weakness I found a gift and I'm thankful for that. His amazing calm and care are still with me this morning. My cell phone rang at 7:30am and I feel like part of me was absolutely crushed. I sit here at work an absolute mess..I'm so emotionally exhausted from this morning that I can hardly keep track of time or task. This is not a good situation with the public launch of the biggest project of my career scheduled for 5:00. Quivas is being a saint again..he checks on my frequently and he's being extra affectionate and sweet and supportive. God I really do love him.

So..back to what happened this morning. My aunt called - I usually don't have a huge amount of contact other than holidays with the extended family (besides my grandfather). So I was suprised to hear her voice. She launched quickly into a discussion which has torn my heart apart.

I'm not welcome at the family Easter celebration. Likely due to this there won't even be one. There's a lot of history behind this which I will explain when I return from smoking.

I'm back. My head just blew off, spun around 3 times and landed back on my shoulders. I guess I should be happy it landed on my shoulders.

Anyway - the history. When the abuse with SelfishOne began to really destroy me and my friends started urging me and helping me to find the strength to leave the situation, my cousin moved in to make matters worse. She has come into my life in the past and taken things from me. She did it again. She came in, wanted SelfishOne and pursued him to no end. He wanted to sleep with her...she with him. When I finally left she did the deed, she taunted me and ground salt in the wound on top of it. She called me to tell me she's christened my old bedroom, my papasan chair that Tim had refused to let me take and my former lover/friend/abuser. Perhaps it shouldn't have hurt as much as it did - after all I was better off without him in my life. But leaving an abuse situation is a very traumatic and the emotions are confusing and extremely difficult. She continued to taunt me and betray me and act like a spoiled child taking delight in my pain.

I was at a place in my life that most anything could have broken me. My only lifeline was my family and my close friends here in MA and they were a godsend. But the betrayal by a family member was more than I could bear. In an effort - a desperate struggle to survive I gave her one last chance to apologize and show remorse for her cruelty. She refused. I told her then that I could not consider her family anymore..that blood only takes an obligation so far. She continued for months to send e-mails or instant messages saying "are you over it yet". They only made matters worse and my decision more firm. I couldn't let a person this vile and cruel destroy me anymore. To me she no longer exists as family.

It was perhaps the hardest decision of my life. I can forgive many many things. My friends have betrayed me and hurt me many times before (we're all bound to do stupid things) and I grant forgiveness freely if asked. Exiling people from my life is not usually an option - in fact I've only done it this once. It feels like shit, I hate it, but its what I had to do.

Anyone that knows me knows full well how important my grandfather is to me. For his sake I attended family celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I acted civil to her but made no attempts to engage in any conversation. I quietly put aside her gifts to me, unwrapped. I said no ill words, made no negative actions in her direction..cold civility. It was the least I could do for the rest of my family whom I love dearly. It was the best for my grandfather who struggles with enough day to day.

Now I am not welcome at Easter. Cold civility is not acceptable and I'm faced with the altimatum - make up with her or do not come. Call it stubborn pride, trivialize my feelings however you wish. I will not make a move towards her. I cannot, will not forgive and forget cold heartless cruelty. I can't erase the nights she caused me to bawl my eyes out. She's never expressed one ounce of remorse for what she did to me...she continues her games and as a result I am exiled.

What can I do? For my own sake I cannot put this aside, make ammends and go happily to a holiday celebration. I have worked too hard to heal from what SelfishOne put me through..what She in turn put me through to relent..to cave. I feel a double betrayal by being asked not to come. (though on some level I understand my aunt and uncle's dilemma) I cannot ask my parents, brother and grandparents not to celebrate this holiday with them and the great grandchildren, and yet my absence will no doubt cause my grandfather great pain. He won't understand why I'm not there..if I explain the true reasons it will hurt him more.

I cannot win in this situation - I can destroy myself for others or hurt others for myself. I don't even know at this point if I could honestly step foot in their house. They view me as a horrible person no doubt for exiling their daughter from my life, at least I had reason. (they'll never see that though)

I feel like there's a million pound weight on my shoulders. I feel every emotion of the abuse and that situation all over again. I feel like SelfishOne has gained further victory. I feel like she has gained further reward for her selfish deeds. How can I ask anyone to truly understand...my friends and Quivas of course do..but not the family.

I don't know where to go..where to turn..what to do right now. I'm a good person and I fail to understand why such pain is my lot. I don't deserve this. I don't know how much more I can withstand.