2001-03-25 - 09:01 a.m.

He SUCKS. I don't need to feel guilty for not putting myself through the hell called visiting my brother. I saw him just a few weeks ago. Nothing essentially has changed since then. I don't care to sit around and get annoyed by his attitude and treatment of me. Talking to him on the phone once a month or so would tide me over just fine thank you.

So my best friend is dating him and I'm in close proximity. That does not yeild any obligation to go over there or encourage him to come here. I have very solid plans today to rest and then drive back to MA. There is absolutely no time in that for visiting and getting irritated and pissed.

I hate that he just made me feel guilty. I hate sitting here with that guilt buzzer going off in the back of my mind. What I hate even more however, is that feeling I'll leave with if I see him. I'll be degraded and put down inevitably. I will feel like he has no respect for me and all I've accomplished. I'll feel trivialized and abused. So why would I willingly submit myself to this - especially if its not a major holiday?

No one understands the rift that stands between me and him. Not even him. How could he - he'd have to stop being blind to my needs to ever understand. He grew up with a massive temper that was often taken out on me. He used to chase me around the house never relenting never leaving me be. What he wanted was what it would be or I would pay. He probably didn't hit me much more than any other brother does his sister while growing up but he did a large amount of psychological damage. He cemented in my mind for a long time that anything I said was trivial, that I had nothing valuable to contribute and I was always wrong. Talk about the root of a lot of my self esteem issues. His temper..god to this day I still tremble at some of the episodes.

So there's this massive rift. I can't even let him hug me without cringing. I'm sorry but that's the way it is and I'm not ready to get over it yet. Partly because it goes so deep into who I am but also because he's never recognized what he did to me...how it hurts me...and he still does it. So I have no want..no need to reconcile and be close to him. Inherently because he's family I love him but I do not in any way crave a closer contact at the moment.

I have my life, he has his...if he's healthy and happy then that's sufficient for me.

*sigh* its hard that nobody can understand this.