Close the door, hang up the phone and fold your cape.

Its 2am on one of those rainy weekends, the type in New England that have always left me restless anyway - pacing, itchy.

And among the things weighing most heavily on my mind tonight is the changing of a phone number. Now it doesn't matter that i don't have a Hawaiian exchange anymore - the cool "Hawaiian" part of me doesn't need an 808 area code to live on. I'm not worried that my friends on the islands will cease to call - cell phone calling plans still work the same there - and nights and weekends remain free. Its not even the pain in the ass of trying to make sure everyone that needs to knows the number has changed, actually its a good excuse to talk to some old friends.

Its that with this change i look behind me and hear the permanent closing of a door. There is one person to whom there can be no call to say, "i've changed my number, here's the new one". With this, i have withdrawn the final life raft and be it true or not - in my mind i have written the final mark of failure on years of a relationship i longed to work with every bit of me.

And now i have left him to sink or swim completely on his own
the last tiny lifeline, pulled up and overboard and gone.
in the form of a changed phone number...

and it makes my heart hurt...almost enough to pick up the phone and call

almost

if i didn't know the monster he's become could destroy me again in one breath

its time to walk away
shut the final door
failure or not
maybe someday i'll learn
it was never in my power to save everyone....
and sometimes that means, not even the ones you love the most.


You can't be a superhero - when no one gave you superpowers.

i was meant to love you....

i've known that thought...i've felt it, to the core of my being...
and i've known how its felt to watch the reality of it crash into the rocks and dash into a million pieces.

It sounds melodramatic and perhaps it is..but that is part of the reality of loving with your whole self, you pour all you are into something, and you hope on the other side, you remain standing.....

i do, i remain standing...because i have chosen to do so...to love without loss - of course the ultimate outcome of loss or not, well its not so much in my court...the ball tends to roll out on the other side.

So what's the lunatic ranting about.....

i love her, and yet here i sit wondering what has become the tone of our relationship. I said months ago i could be quiet and patient and be a friend, and a friend i'll always be. But there was supposed to be more there, we still exist in part as if more is there...yet is there, will there ever be again and does she want there to be?

They are no longer small questions...and be it unfair or insecure - i can no longer quell the fear alone that the one way i desperately need her to need me, is the one way she no longer even wants me at all.

And i'm scared to ask the question...for the answer may be more than i can bare....but i don't know that i can take not feeling wanted like this again....

its a musical week....

There's comfort in music this week.

When i first moved home i'd listen to a lot of Jack Johnson, especially on the long drives between Maine and Vermont when i was torn between places and the landscape would remind me just the slightest bit of my old home in Hawaii as i drove through the mountains. Jack would take me back a bit and with some wind through my hair i could feel calm and cool and a bit of the tropics again.....

Bubble toes made me giggle - my little princess had the most beautiful eyes and fat bubbly toes and somehow this song was just meant to be our song. And i started to sing it to her in our dancing hours - and one day, out of the blue - she agreed in a most startling way for an 11 month old, she sang it back to me. Much to the amazement of her mother and father and me, when the song finished she started singing la ta da da da da....much too much in rhythem, and she's done it ever since, breaking into a huge grin every time i put her song on. So she and i, we sing, and we dance, and we smile together, and that pretty much can make anything okay...

And Maybe if you'd just listen
you'd realize what you're missin
you're missin me.

Rainy Sundays and a little musical interlude

It makes a rainy sunday a little better....i can't help but laugh a little watching the video and it reminds me of someone i love very much.