i was meant to love you....

i've known that thought...i've felt it, to the core of my being...
and i've known how its felt to watch the reality of it crash into the rocks and dash into a million pieces.

It sounds melodramatic and perhaps it is..but that is part of the reality of loving with your whole self, you pour all you are into something, and you hope on the other side, you remain standing.....

i do, i remain standing...because i have chosen to do so...to love without loss - of course the ultimate outcome of loss or not, well its not so much in my court...the ball tends to roll out on the other side.

So what's the lunatic ranting about.....

i love her, and yet here i sit wondering what has become the tone of our relationship. I said months ago i could be quiet and patient and be a friend, and a friend i'll always be. But there was supposed to be more there, we still exist in part as if more is there...yet is there, will there ever be again and does she want there to be?

They are no longer small questions...and be it unfair or insecure - i can no longer quell the fear alone that the one way i desperately need her to need me, is the one way she no longer even wants me at all.

And i'm scared to ask the question...for the answer may be more than i can bare....but i don't know that i can take not feeling wanted like this again....