Its 2am on one of those rainy weekends, the type in New England that have always left me restless anyway - pacing, itchy.
And among the things weighing most heavily on my mind tonight is the changing of a phone number. Now it doesn't matter that i don't have a Hawaiian exchange anymore - the cool "Hawaiian" part of me doesn't need an 808 area code to live on. I'm not worried that my friends on the islands will cease to call - cell phone calling plans still work the same there - and nights and weekends remain free. Its not even the pain in the ass of trying to make sure everyone that needs to knows the number has changed, actually its a good excuse to talk to some old friends.
Its that with this change i look behind me and hear the permanent closing of a door. There is one person to whom there can be no call to say, "i've changed my number, here's the new one". With this, i have withdrawn the final life raft and be it true or not - in my mind i have written the final mark of failure on years of a relationship i longed to work with every bit of me.
And now i have left him to sink or swim completely on his own
the last tiny lifeline, pulled up and overboard and gone.
in the form of a changed phone number...
and it makes my heart hurt...almost enough to pick up the phone and call
almost
if i didn't know the monster he's become could destroy me again in one breath
its time to walk away
shut the final door
failure or not
maybe someday i'll learn
it was never in my power to save everyone....
and sometimes that means, not even the ones you love the most.
You can't be a superhero - when no one gave you superpowers.
2 comments:
I wish I had some words that make it easier... but I think this is one of those things in life that's just going to be tough and painful. And knowing that you're taking the right and healthy path doesn't translate into a lighter heart.
But you are taking the right and healthy path and your cape never gets folded, mi amiga. You wear it best in moments like this.
it gets a little easier every day i suppose, time does slowly heal. I just wish there was some magic way to absolve myself of a guilt that i know i don't need to own and yet...continue to hold on to.
*kiss*
The sun is still shinin' eh?
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