2001-04-21 - 6:45 p.m.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them.

"If anything happens to me - I want to be creamated and my ashes spread on the hill next to my home - on that perfect spot where the sun shines, where I watched you play when you were a little girl."

How? How do you react to that. How do you stand in the face of a dying man and listen to those words and not reduce to a puddle of tears on the floor? I have no idea how I did it. I have no idea how I survived what I survived today. A tear has not fallen, it has not set in, it couldn't have.

I woke at 7:30 - an odd energy and need to get home drove me quickly into the shower and I rushed to get on the road. I watched the sunshine overcome the clouds on the hour and a half drive to my parents home. The music played and my heart and voice sang along - nothing could go wrong today. It was just too beautiful.

I arrived at home earlier than expected and we traded cars and my mom and I headed to Dexter. Another 2 hours on the road - a little nap and things were still wonderful. But we drove down that hill and something in the air - something was about to go horribly wrong.

I got out of the car and greeted my grandfather with the usual warm hug. There was a stiffness to him. Immediately it started - the ranting about the old days...how grammy worked in the shoe shop all those hours and how she wouldn't quit even though he begged her to. The whole story rehashed as it has been thousands of times over the past three years of this hell. He's become so convinced that she cheated on him for all those years. The alzheimers makes it worse - he lives in that time - he feels the pain every day as if he were living it all over again. It doesn't make what happens justifiable - just a little more understandable.

He snapped this morning. He hit her. Her face breaks my heart - the memory haunts my mind. She knows he loves her, she knows this is an illnes..she stands dutifully at his side. She feels responsible..for though she never cheated on him she insisted on working. Its not her fault - its no one's fault but that doesn't ease the pain.

I stood with him in that picture perfect day and my heart broke into a million more pieces. Mom excused herself to go check on my grandmother and I walked with my grandfather to the barn. He continued on - not totally with me, rambling, ranting, occasionally kicking or hitting something. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. I never saw him drink in all my time with him growing up. The doctors say that he drinks when the Alzheimers is bad because he drank in that part of his life that he regresses to. It makes him violent...I'm trying to teach him to smoke pot instead.

We stood in the barn and it started - the whole speech quoted above. He told me how much he loved me, he told me where his money was and how to get it, he told me he didn't want a funeral. He hugged me tight and told me that I was his only granddaughter - his love and his life. The he picked up a screwdriver and tried to stab himself in the neck.

A granddaughter should NEVER have to do what I did today. To pry that screwdriver from his hand and hold him....it felt like it went straight through my heart. He wants to die - his life was long and good but now, now he cannot do what he loves for the instability and pain in his body...this horrible disease eats at his mind...what type of an existance is it? I understand why he wants to die, I wish I could give him that in a peaceful manner, I don't have that power. Maybe its just selfish to stop him from doing it himself. I just wish there was a better ending to this magnificant man's life. I know the pain and strife that his death will cause - suicide only makes that worse.

After a few hours we calmed things down. Grampy apologized and kissed and hugged her and doted on her. We ate lunch and grampy and I talked for a long while - he tells me the stories of his life. Around 2 they seemed relatively ok and we started to get ready to leave.

Now - any rational person reading this is most likely absolutely livid about the idea that we'd leave without taking any further action. Its been three years at this and I still say the same thing but I understand and live the reality of the flip side. If he kills himself tomorrow it will be a horrible tragedy and a great peace. If we took him and locked him away (and god how many times that has been suggested) they'd both die tomorrow anyway. My grandparents don't exist apart....they are eachother's last will to live. I can't explain all the ins and outs of why we leave them alone there together, in the end I guess it just comes down to the fact that there is no other humane choice. Please don't judge me for this, just understand.

It was a long ride home. I have to be the rock right now...I cannot cry, I cannot fall down in my sorrow. Mom has dealt with this day in and day out since it started three years ago. She is their strength and she is amazing but she needs strength too....I have to give her that. I can't have her worrying that I'm not ok in all this because she needs her energies to focus elsewhere. I will be ok..I've accepted his oncoming death, I hurt at these times but I recognize them for what they are....it is the least I can do for my mother to keep strong in front of her...I can cry for myself later.

Home finally - I basically ignore my brother and friends who are here and head for solitude. I emerge only for dinner - I should have stayed in solitude. By the end of the night my brother has thrown one of his selfish little temper tantrums over how his sister doesn't talk to him and doesn't love him blah blah blah. I don't know what happened after he started in, when I could hear the screaming from my bedroom upstairs, I took my car keys and escaped.

Thank you Quivas and Shakespeare - you are my steadfast and true friends and I love you dearly. You are there when I need you and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I went to the lake house...I cried in solitude. I'm so flooded with emotion and thought I'm not sure exactly which thing I'm crying over...it just felt good to get some of it out. It was cold.

I returned home and huddled in my car in the yard next door until I saw my brother leave. Amy called - I assured her I wasn't mad at her for what happened at dinner - I started to talk about it - she snipped "I don't want to talk about it." Add insult to injury! On the day from hell when I need a loving friend more than anything in the world - my best friend and roomate doesn't want to talk about it. I can understand she doesn't want to be in the middle but GODDAMN IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME TODAY!

Next line of consolation: Curl up next to dad and cry. Response: What the hell is wrong with you now? Would anyone like to guess how that one was received.

I called Quivas bawling....I want to go home to him, to curl up and cry in his arms and then smoke the biggest bowl ever packed and forget today ever happened. No such luck since no one is about to let me drive tonight.

So here I am...smoking cigs out the window of my childhood bedroom and feeling utterly miserable.

Hope your day was better.

2001-04-11 - 10:25 p.m.

Crisis of faith.

Someone said those words yesterday - they set off a long chain of thoughts and discussions and feelings. Thanks S..I guess needed a kick, even though you weren't kicking me at all.

I was born to a Christian home. I went to church regularly through my childhood. Church camps in the summer, church pageants, church choir...all parts of fond memories of my growing up at WFBC. I was with other kids, doing things I loved, and worshipping a god I thought I had truly come to believe in with all my heart, soul and mind. I can sing all the hymns by heart, I can recite passage after passage, I can give you academic reguritations of Bible theory and fact. I learned all this growing up..but it was never forced, I accepted it and took it as my own.

When I left for my freshman year of college it was a Christian Campus in Mass that was the only school I had really considered. I had the grades and the talent to go to many other much more prestigous schools, but never a thought. I wanted to be in a place of God and Christ where I would be safe and nurtured in my faith..where I could grow and learn in a righteous setting. Feh!

It turned my prison. In those walls I thought would nurture me I was raped. In the surrounding pool of Christian thought I realized that a whole lot of people don't have a clue why they believe what they believe. I saw many good and wonderful things as well...but the illusion was gone...the atmosphere stifling...and after a year I left.

I still believed in God and Christ and my Christian faith and I searched ferverently to understand and grow and figure out why I believed what I believed. I read books and watched lectures and thought and thought and thought through it. And I came out knowing I was a Christian and when and why and how I believed in God and his Son Jesus Christ. I knew how I interpreted the Bible and why. I knew the life I had to live and how to do it. Another good illusion.

And I stand here today in a crisis of faith. One I have a hard time contemplating and a hard time accepting.

I realize after a long time that those books I read and the lectures I attended - they were geared towards one world view - towards convincing me I had tangible reason to believe the Christian Faith that I believed in. So I've come really to no answers - for I forgot to answer first the fundamental questions.

Can I believe that a benevolent, omnicient god created an earth with billions of people and then gave roughly 2% or less of them the right answer as to his being? Damning the rest to hell for all eternity?

That's the big one. Its a message of tolerance if not acceptance of other religions. Its a knowledge and an insight that I am not so powerful as to pretend to have the answers. So many of the traditions of the big religions align, so many of the tenants and thoughts are common. Why do we fight and die over the logistics? Why do we segregate ourselves rather than come together to worship a greater being in whatever form it may be. Why would a god command his people to kill eachother? Are there two fundamental powers of all existence - Good and evil? Is there a God and a Devil? Was Jesus Christ divinity or just an amazing man of history? We cannot answer these things - none of us, not without faith. So where did we find the ability to qualify that faith with a specific form and nature of god?

And all that shakes to the very ground the beliefs I have grown up "knowing" were truth in my heart. And I find myself in a crisis of walking away from those things. Easter is not far now....I cannot prepare myself for the event in deep prayer as usual as it seems far too hypocritical....and yet a part of me breaks that the holiday this year will pass in such a manner. I spoke to Christ tonight - standing on the porch under the stars. I asked him to show me what was right if this was wrong - and yet by what I've said in the past paragraph - how do I know there's a Christ there to listen? How to I know what is a voice and my head playing tricks - how do I know what is a sign or what is just a convienantly placed coincidence.

Do I believe in Christ and the trinity at the tenants of the Christian faith because I grew up with them and they're second nature - a learned behavoir?

-or-

Do I believe in it because its something inherent, a message from God that fills my soul and tells me its true.

-or-

Because I'm scared of being wrong and going to hell.

I can't answer that and its driving me crazy. My only consolation seems the line from Dogma - "Its better to have ideas than beliefs". And yet that seems oddly painful tonight.

I'm confused. My head hurts.

2001-04-11 - 10:45 a.m.

I spent last night wrapped in the warm comforting blanket of friendship. I wish I could relay to you how absolutely magnificent it felt to be so absolutely content. The conversation was a winding road with long solemn straightaways and quick turns of laughter and I enjoyed every minute of the ride. I've been thinking about a lot of things in this down time of mine. I've been dwelling and looking internally for things I need to change and work on, but last night wasn't about me, it wasn't about him, it was about mutual care, trust, love and concern.

I've never been a large group of friends type of girl. I've always found a select few with whom I could identify at some deep level and they have held my confidences. I have always had a large number of acquaintances..people I do love and care for but I see and talk to and worry about on a much more casual basis. When I was young I thought this was bad...after all if you have a pool of 3 close friends odds are that they're often busy with their other friends and hence you're left out in the cold alone. By selecting a close inner circle with acquaintances on the outside - the phone rings less often, you have to do more things alone and its often necessary to seek out the others rather than sitting around waiting to be sought out. Over the years I've accepted these consequences to the way I choose to maintain a group of friends...sometimes it hurts more than others. For example: when you're lonely and depressed and just longing for a caring loving friend to call just to see what you're up to. I know they're out there though and that people love me and care about me and that the world in all its chaos has a tendancy to keep us all sometimes from being the friends we'd like to be.

The world tells us all that we're fucked up these days. Many people see their shrinks more regularly lately than their family or friends. I guess self-examination is good...but I think some psychiatrist a long time ago started a damn good marketing campaign to make everyone on earth think that the normal neurosis and problems of life make them fucked up in some way that requires medical attention. Now I in no way mean to downplay the need for psychiatric counselling - it certainly has done its share of good in many situations. I'm concerned however about a certain subclass of human beings who have gotten the short end of the stick too many times and though they may be perfectly normal they find the world pointing at them as if to say - something is wrong with you. So they seek out counseling and any good shrink is going to find a million or two neurosis and uncurrents in your thoughts and actions. For gods sake there is motivation behind everything you do - that's normal. So there's plenty of material to work on if you want to change - but beware you may be changing a perfectly wonderful and sane person into something you may not like. I don't know - its a fine line to walk. I love my friends fully for who they are - that includes all past, present and future flaws, annoyances and misjudgements. If it is a friend's choice to endeavor into therapy I will be more than happy to support them...just think about why you've convinced yourself you're fucked up before you go changing who you are for some perfected version that pops out on the other end of therapy sessions.

I think Shakespeare is teaching me how to be totally non-sequitor.

When I left Jailbate and moved back to New England almost two years ago I was a wreck. My life as I had planned it was gone. I had left behind a relationship, a family and what would have been a marriage and I was alone again. I cried - god how I cried. I moped and sobbed and whined and cried in my own self pity for so long. Everything I did, every thought, every sight, everything - reminded me of him and the children and our lives when they were good. All rational thought told me this was for the best, that he wasn't right for me, that his problems were too big for me to solve and that ultimately I would damage myself settling for someone that was so far off the mark from what I had always wanted. Rational thought is all well and good - it does a great job to get you through day to day conversation. But in those moments when you're alone in your bed at night and the memories and thoughts and lonliness consume - they are no consolation - they have disappeared into the wind. And you're left alone to cry out the heartache that only time will heal. Its a heartbreak I've lived before and likely will live again. Its new and different each time and its as if I've forgotten how I got through it last time (to quote a friend.) The point is I have gotten through it before and I did with Jailbate, and if it is meant to be I will get through it again. No one expected me not to miss and mourn something that had been so fundamental to my life for so long. I had to run a course that would only become easier over time...there's no other answer...there's no reason to beat yourself up for it.

I miss Quivas. I miss S. I wish they could both be with me when I'm so quiet and content - its a rare sight.

I should go entertain the rents *ugh*

2001-04-08 - 7:39 a.m.

Its absolute bliss and solitude. I've laughed, I've smiled bigger than i have in the longest time, I've made love with more passion than I have ever known. We drove yesterday - first up to Seabrook to a computer show. We mulled around and picked up the necessary parts to build a new computer for Quivas. Then we took a drive up the coastal route to get a lobster roll for lunch. We ate at one of those quaint New England places. You know the type - the ones you'd be absolutely petrified to enter in any other part of the country - but for some reason here its safe. We had delicious lobster rolls and browsed a few of the small shops nearby - god it was fun.

Then we hit the road for the resort. What a beautiful drive it was. There's nothing like escaping into the mountians. The white capped magestic mountainsides looming in front of you - touching the clouds. The beautiful white snow still pristine and gorgeous. The silence, the trees the beauty; it all makes your heart sing.

We reached the resort around 5. We stopped along the way to do a little outlet shopping - after all just about 15 miles down the road is some of the best shopping in this part of the country. And No tax is a pretty cool perk.

The condo is beautiful, moreso than I ever could have imagined. My heart is light, Quivas and I are incredibly happy and for the moment i'm going to go swim in the tub. More soon.

2001-04-07 - 9:09 a.m.

Rawr!

The sun shines in through my window at this moment and I bask in it like a lazy cat. I love the feelings of this time of year. I love the events...the first home game of the season was played at fenway last night. Soon we'll open the lake house, the parties will start. Soon the snow will finish melting and everything will turn brilliant shades of green. Last night I walked to the store at 7pm, for the first time in months it was warm and still light outside. It feels sooo good. Its a time of renewal and strength for me, and its time to show the world what I'm made of.

I spent a lot of time last night basking in some alone time. Its been a long time since I knew how to keep myself truly content when alone. Last night was somewhat hypnotic - I could lose myself in anything and it was fine. I didn't mind thta I was alone, I missed Quivas, I missed my friends - but it was rather benign - I'll see them today. So I endeavored for me. I thought a lot about a line from a song - "Why are you so petrified of silence - here can you handle this: (5 seconds of silence): did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?" The key is I'm honestly learning finally to just think in solitude. Its a daunting task - I've been working on it for years actively...and I finally begin to see signs of triumph. I still have alone time when I seek out friends or distractions because I am inevitably a much more social creature than an hermit, but there's beginning to be more of a balance.

I challenged a dear friend to an exercise in self - esteem last night. I think I'll embark on that same exercise. Think initially of 5 things you like about yourself:

1.)I can be an amazing friend

2.)I am damn good at my job

3.)I have music in me - and passion

4.)I have morals and try to live a good life

5.)I'm good at communicating

Ok..so now - post these 5 things somewhere you'll often see them. Add at least 1 item to the list per day. Read them all often.

That's the first part of the exercise. The second is appreciating the things and people around you and figuring out why. For example - your best friend is always there for you and makes you feel great. Do you return the same to your friends? Thank your friend for all they do and then actively work to make sure you return the qualities and things you appreciate to others in your life.

I don't claim to have it all figured out. I have no idea what it takes to successfully make it through this life - I'm just trying to make myself happy. Its a pretty cool journey - wanna come along?

Vacation - I must finish packing and get everything ready to take off. I'm sure there will be more writing soon.