2001-04-11 - 10:45 a.m.

I spent last night wrapped in the warm comforting blanket of friendship. I wish I could relay to you how absolutely magnificent it felt to be so absolutely content. The conversation was a winding road with long solemn straightaways and quick turns of laughter and I enjoyed every minute of the ride. I've been thinking about a lot of things in this down time of mine. I've been dwelling and looking internally for things I need to change and work on, but last night wasn't about me, it wasn't about him, it was about mutual care, trust, love and concern.

I've never been a large group of friends type of girl. I've always found a select few with whom I could identify at some deep level and they have held my confidences. I have always had a large number of acquaintances..people I do love and care for but I see and talk to and worry about on a much more casual basis. When I was young I thought this was bad...after all if you have a pool of 3 close friends odds are that they're often busy with their other friends and hence you're left out in the cold alone. By selecting a close inner circle with acquaintances on the outside - the phone rings less often, you have to do more things alone and its often necessary to seek out the others rather than sitting around waiting to be sought out. Over the years I've accepted these consequences to the way I choose to maintain a group of friends...sometimes it hurts more than others. For example: when you're lonely and depressed and just longing for a caring loving friend to call just to see what you're up to. I know they're out there though and that people love me and care about me and that the world in all its chaos has a tendancy to keep us all sometimes from being the friends we'd like to be.

The world tells us all that we're fucked up these days. Many people see their shrinks more regularly lately than their family or friends. I guess self-examination is good...but I think some psychiatrist a long time ago started a damn good marketing campaign to make everyone on earth think that the normal neurosis and problems of life make them fucked up in some way that requires medical attention. Now I in no way mean to downplay the need for psychiatric counselling - it certainly has done its share of good in many situations. I'm concerned however about a certain subclass of human beings who have gotten the short end of the stick too many times and though they may be perfectly normal they find the world pointing at them as if to say - something is wrong with you. So they seek out counseling and any good shrink is going to find a million or two neurosis and uncurrents in your thoughts and actions. For gods sake there is motivation behind everything you do - that's normal. So there's plenty of material to work on if you want to change - but beware you may be changing a perfectly wonderful and sane person into something you may not like. I don't know - its a fine line to walk. I love my friends fully for who they are - that includes all past, present and future flaws, annoyances and misjudgements. If it is a friend's choice to endeavor into therapy I will be more than happy to support them...just think about why you've convinced yourself you're fucked up before you go changing who you are for some perfected version that pops out on the other end of therapy sessions.

I think Shakespeare is teaching me how to be totally non-sequitor.

When I left Jailbate and moved back to New England almost two years ago I was a wreck. My life as I had planned it was gone. I had left behind a relationship, a family and what would have been a marriage and I was alone again. I cried - god how I cried. I moped and sobbed and whined and cried in my own self pity for so long. Everything I did, every thought, every sight, everything - reminded me of him and the children and our lives when they were good. All rational thought told me this was for the best, that he wasn't right for me, that his problems were too big for me to solve and that ultimately I would damage myself settling for someone that was so far off the mark from what I had always wanted. Rational thought is all well and good - it does a great job to get you through day to day conversation. But in those moments when you're alone in your bed at night and the memories and thoughts and lonliness consume - they are no consolation - they have disappeared into the wind. And you're left alone to cry out the heartache that only time will heal. Its a heartbreak I've lived before and likely will live again. Its new and different each time and its as if I've forgotten how I got through it last time (to quote a friend.) The point is I have gotten through it before and I did with Jailbate, and if it is meant to be I will get through it again. No one expected me not to miss and mourn something that had been so fundamental to my life for so long. I had to run a course that would only become easier over time...there's no other answer...there's no reason to beat yourself up for it.

I miss Quivas. I miss S. I wish they could both be with me when I'm so quiet and content - its a rare sight.

I should go entertain the rents *ugh*