He watched me last night with a curious look in his eyes, as i rocked her, my little borrowed miracle to sleep in my lap. She'd fought slumber all day in that tenacious little way she has about her, and as she finally succumbed in those late hours of the night, and we rocked together in a quiet happy bliss he watched us from across the room. I've never seen that look in his eyes, and i wonder what was behind it.

I suspect its a thousand dreams that may or may not ever come true, his dreams for me, flashing behind his tired eyes, mixing with love for the beautiful little precious bundle whose eyelids slowly lose the battle against sleep.

i had my beautiful blonde headed boy once, whom i nestled in my arms and i loved with all my heart....and then years later for a brief time i fell in love with another child i would have given everything to. i have missed my little princes - and my heart is full with the knowledge that somewhere in the world they are hopefully healthy and happy and maybe they remember just a little how much i love them, how much i always will.

As for children of my own...that's a story yet to be written and perhaps a page always to remain blank, i do not know if the fates will ever be kind, or even if such remains a true possibility given certain medical history. For now i'll simply be content with the amazing little gifts i've been given in my life. i've been privileged to know the gift of being called mom, and though i ache at times for that feeling once again.... well, maybe someday....an answer that doesn't satiate two anxious parents who long for more grandchildren and a settled married life for their daughter.

I wish at times i could be simpler, that i could settle down and be the daughter they pictured in their dreams........when i was a little girl bouncing on his knee long ago.

Writing to heal.....

It would be easy perhaps to regret him....
But i've never lived my life that way - and there's too much beauty in these past years to resort to regret in light of what's happened....and besides, deep down i will always love him - as much as in some moments i want to curse him, hate him, hurt him as deeply as he etched scars upon my heart.....in the end all i can do is glance with a certain sadness back at a shadow of the man i fell in love with and wish that something might have been different, wish him a different path than i see him walking down and believe that somehow this is how its meant to be.

What becomes difficult now is forgiving myself for the outcome of these years....that ultimately the decision to walk away was forced into my court, for my own sanity and welfare i had to allow the distance to accumulate emotionally between us, i had to shut the doors. The physical distance is happenstance, but it added another layer of insult and injury on a wound that little needed more salt rubbed therein. He is no longer the man i fell in love with, he has spent a long time diving deeper into his mourning and misery until i can barely recognize the shell of the man that is left....yet occasionally i could still see that old twinkle in those eyes, those eyes i longed once to be lost in forever...oh and that nose i loved to kiss. It was my epic dream...he was my epic love....and none can say i didn't try so very hard to make it work.....

And the nightmares come now - more frequently than i can bare sometimes and i find myself walking in the early morning hours simply to be free of my bed and my dreams. In night terror i see what i have long feared, the ultimate loss of him. How many times over the last two years have i heard him beg and plead and long for his own death i wonder.....the peace he longs for is the thought i cannot bare....and it haunts me. Life did this to him and he chose the path, he pushed me away despite my attempts to stay close, to love him, to fight for that - maybe someday i'll let all those arguements actually absolve me of the feeling of responsibility for his happiness, or at least his survival.

I spent many years hoping, trying, praying that i could bring him back from the misery that he wished to swallow him. I don't know how any parent recovers from the loss of a child - and the light went out in his eyes and in his heart that day when his took his own life. i don't think i've ever found it in me to truly blame him for what happened between us - not even as ugly as it got at some points - maybe he shouldn't have gotten the ultimate get out of jail free card - but if you ever saw the tears in his eyes in the morning, or on a holiday, maybe you'd understand - just a little bit of why i would have done anything - why i almost let myself drown in the misery before i couldn't go any further, before i walked away.

i have learned many things from him and in part thanks to him, i have learned the true measure of my strength, the beauty of my commitment, i have shown myself and the world just how tenacious and self-reliant i can be, he opened up a new world to me, and i lived it, breathed it, drank it in in all its splendor - and i will never be able to repay him for all that he gave me, in many ways he set me free and showed me my wings to fly. He gave me hawaii, he gave me home, my rainbows, my history, my waterfalls, memories of my Daddy holding my tight in sweet tradewinds......he gave me history and science and politics as i sat adoringly at his feet.....he gave me my lullabye, and once upon a time, a long time ago, for awhile, he gave me his heart.....before it turned to stone.

But there are a few things i must fix that he left me with, a vulnerable voice afraid to speak at times, afraid of the rejection or the anger or the mocking which were constant in those later days. He left me with a fear of putting this heart on the line - a fear which makes me angry inside because i've never been that person before. i became prickly, defensive - with walls much higher than they've ever been.....


I walk on every day - and every day i glimpse back wondering if he's okay. That's who i am - he won't believe i loved him - i haven't stopped loving him since the very first day we met. There are other things i'm meant to do with my life now - i'm not meant to drown in him, but it makes me endlessly sad that he refuses to grab the life preserver and that i must swim away in order to live.

I write to heal.....maybe i'll sleep tonight....maybe....

I watched you today

I watched you...

i watched you work,
i watched you play,
i watched you laugh
and be for a moment
truly carefree and happy
i saw your strength
and your beauty
and your humor
and your love
and your passion

i watched you
and i knew without any doubt
why i love you
why i kneel