He watched me last night with a curious look in his eyes, as i rocked her, my little borrowed miracle to sleep in my lap. She'd fought slumber all day in that tenacious little way she has about her, and as she finally succumbed in those late hours of the night, and we rocked together in a quiet happy bliss he watched us from across the room. I've never seen that look in his eyes, and i wonder what was behind it.

I suspect its a thousand dreams that may or may not ever come true, his dreams for me, flashing behind his tired eyes, mixing with love for the beautiful little precious bundle whose eyelids slowly lose the battle against sleep.

i had my beautiful blonde headed boy once, whom i nestled in my arms and i loved with all my heart....and then years later for a brief time i fell in love with another child i would have given everything to. i have missed my little princes - and my heart is full with the knowledge that somewhere in the world they are hopefully healthy and happy and maybe they remember just a little how much i love them, how much i always will.

As for children of my own...that's a story yet to be written and perhaps a page always to remain blank, i do not know if the fates will ever be kind, or even if such remains a true possibility given certain medical history. For now i'll simply be content with the amazing little gifts i've been given in my life. i've been privileged to know the gift of being called mom, and though i ache at times for that feeling once again.... well, maybe someday....an answer that doesn't satiate two anxious parents who long for more grandchildren and a settled married life for their daughter.

I wish at times i could be simpler, that i could settle down and be the daughter they pictured in their dreams........when i was a little girl bouncing on his knee long ago.