Crazy For You

Swaying room as the music starts

Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know its true
I never wanted anyone like this
Its all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
Im crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see

Its all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know its true
Im crazy, crazy for you

How Badly Do Your Feet Itch?

I grinned into the phone, she felt so good and so comfortable, i had forgotten, silly - to have forgotten such a thing. She made a high pitched eeking sound - her usual excited emission - and i launched into giggles again, and she asked when I'd be arriving, the 4th I said...and another series of excited utterances tumbled forth.

God it felt good...and my feet do itch. I forgot just how well she knows me. She asked how long i had had the apartment packed up and empty, about a month i replied, in near hysterics. "Wow that's about the longest goodbye you've mustered yet, must be killing you." Oh god, i replied, there's not a thing left i can pack at this moment! She launched into a series of of topics about how the baby won't stop asking about me at the oddest moments and the summer line at the shop, and then she asked....can i come?

Huh? Well, on the 4th? LOL You have 7 children and you want to drive to Maine for the 4th of July, are you nuts? God I love you!! Can you do my hair too? And of course her answer was yes, she'd bring everything and the wax and she'd fix everything...and i just wanted to jump through the phone with my itchy feet and kiss her. She knows that the lake house will be a swamp of people, she knows my mother won't hardly let me out of her sight for a week, but god love her she'll come anyway with bags packed with color and scissors and wax and all the fun stuff and toting the littlest one on her hip....and after all this time...we'll be back together again...and i adore that she can't even wait until i'm off the plane a day.

I called my mom and asked if i could bring a friend or two home with me on the 4th....she laughed and said the house was pretty full, there was only my bedroom left to book - i said i'd take the couch. I guess I've got quite a welcome home party planned...who knew....

I think my heart is about to explode right now I feel so loved.

Aww look she's all mushy and gushy and stuff - isn't that cute!

Doubly Blessed

"You sound sad" He said...
I hadn't really thought about it...

I guess there was something profoundly sad in the undertones of my voice and yet....i feel, almost neutral but stretched, stretched is a good word for it, like a favorite hobbit of mine once said...".I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread" ~Bilbo Baggins LOTR

You see its not a bad time, I choose this, not out of loss, or a need to run, or really that there was anything profoundly lacking here that never would have come in a mere matter of time....but it was the choice of one dream over another. It is essentially one of the most beautiful places a person can find themselves, torn between beauty on both sides - now granted it may be as well one of the most agonizing at some moments...but when faced with such choices one must sit and realize - how lucky they truly are to be there.

Here I have paradise, landscapes and weather the world envies every day, i have culture that fills up my soul and overwhelms me, i have learned so much. Over 2 years I have grown into a far better person than i could have imagined for having been here, and I am soo grateful that I came, and that I lived and that I loved, and that i have done what i did here. I would not trade a moment, from the earthquake to my relationships to my work, to skydives and parasails, to sunsets on the beach and whalewatches and moonlit skinnydips, not any of it. I wouldn't trade those moments of being hated for my white skin, for they have taught me humility in the face of adversity, nor would i trade the moments of being embraced by families and friends of every ethnicity i could imagine. Tears and smiles, rainbows and raindrops....two years of amazing experiences.

And there...family, a mother and father who are love's inspiration after all these years and still going strong. My support and my shelter. My niece who I am dying to hold and to teach hawaiian, and to dress like a little wahine and smell, i might just inhale her. My friends I have long missed and the multitude of children they have produced in my absence - jesus they need me back just so i can keep them from copulating so much or they'll be overrun by offspring! My darling Cesca of course! And then there are things like seasons and interstate highways and no threats of tsunamis. Snow....we're listing that under positives today get back to me about that come December.

So yes, I'm sad....i'm sad that it takes leaving one to have the other. I'm sad that you have to close some doors to open other windows. But I'm okay.

You are not leaving, you are arriving.....

The Journey

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~ David Whyte House of Belonging

_______________________________

And so they have been found, the right words for the page to finally start this journey. The page that has been blank for nearly a year, waiting for the right words to come, the right moment. I would not start this page in pain, i would not start it at a run from something, i would not start it in ugliness, but simply when it was right. Now, is right. Now, it has arrived. Here, i am.

To what end? That remains to be seen...perhaps this will finally be the collection of the wise words i have uttered forth to this moment and never actually used, that i might actually employ a few of them, and continue to write new ones...who knows. I suspect i will forever continue to ignore a good many of my own sage words, even as i spew them forth to others. It is, after all, always easier to give good sound advice than it is to take it. For some reason the mechanical engine of the passionate heart drive has never run well on sound advice, its fancy seems tickled by the most audacious and self-destructive direction sequence most of us can contrive on a daily basis. Oh well, it makes life, if nothing else, action-filled (please note my swerve around the use of the word drama there).

So from a great sky, from ashes, from a multitude of beauty and pain, from rainbows and waterfalls, from hardwork and heartbreak from laughter and walks on the beach, from a multitude of things i now emerge into something new and with it emerges a new blog home....wiser, tanner, sillier and perhaps a bit more guarded than ever, here i am.

Let the rambling continue!