Doubly Blessed

"You sound sad" He said...
I hadn't really thought about it...

I guess there was something profoundly sad in the undertones of my voice and yet....i feel, almost neutral but stretched, stretched is a good word for it, like a favorite hobbit of mine once said...".I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread" ~Bilbo Baggins LOTR

You see its not a bad time, I choose this, not out of loss, or a need to run, or really that there was anything profoundly lacking here that never would have come in a mere matter of time....but it was the choice of one dream over another. It is essentially one of the most beautiful places a person can find themselves, torn between beauty on both sides - now granted it may be as well one of the most agonizing at some moments...but when faced with such choices one must sit and realize - how lucky they truly are to be there.

Here I have paradise, landscapes and weather the world envies every day, i have culture that fills up my soul and overwhelms me, i have learned so much. Over 2 years I have grown into a far better person than i could have imagined for having been here, and I am soo grateful that I came, and that I lived and that I loved, and that i have done what i did here. I would not trade a moment, from the earthquake to my relationships to my work, to skydives and parasails, to sunsets on the beach and whalewatches and moonlit skinnydips, not any of it. I wouldn't trade those moments of being hated for my white skin, for they have taught me humility in the face of adversity, nor would i trade the moments of being embraced by families and friends of every ethnicity i could imagine. Tears and smiles, rainbows and raindrops....two years of amazing experiences.

And there...family, a mother and father who are love's inspiration after all these years and still going strong. My support and my shelter. My niece who I am dying to hold and to teach hawaiian, and to dress like a little wahine and smell, i might just inhale her. My friends I have long missed and the multitude of children they have produced in my absence - jesus they need me back just so i can keep them from copulating so much or they'll be overrun by offspring! My darling Cesca of course! And then there are things like seasons and interstate highways and no threats of tsunamis. Snow....we're listing that under positives today get back to me about that come December.

So yes, I'm sad....i'm sad that it takes leaving one to have the other. I'm sad that you have to close some doors to open other windows. But I'm okay.