2001-04-21 - 6:45 p.m.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them.

"If anything happens to me - I want to be creamated and my ashes spread on the hill next to my home - on that perfect spot where the sun shines, where I watched you play when you were a little girl."

How? How do you react to that. How do you stand in the face of a dying man and listen to those words and not reduce to a puddle of tears on the floor? I have no idea how I did it. I have no idea how I survived what I survived today. A tear has not fallen, it has not set in, it couldn't have.

I woke at 7:30 - an odd energy and need to get home drove me quickly into the shower and I rushed to get on the road. I watched the sunshine overcome the clouds on the hour and a half drive to my parents home. The music played and my heart and voice sang along - nothing could go wrong today. It was just too beautiful.

I arrived at home earlier than expected and we traded cars and my mom and I headed to Dexter. Another 2 hours on the road - a little nap and things were still wonderful. But we drove down that hill and something in the air - something was about to go horribly wrong.

I got out of the car and greeted my grandfather with the usual warm hug. There was a stiffness to him. Immediately it started - the ranting about the old days...how grammy worked in the shoe shop all those hours and how she wouldn't quit even though he begged her to. The whole story rehashed as it has been thousands of times over the past three years of this hell. He's become so convinced that she cheated on him for all those years. The alzheimers makes it worse - he lives in that time - he feels the pain every day as if he were living it all over again. It doesn't make what happens justifiable - just a little more understandable.

He snapped this morning. He hit her. Her face breaks my heart - the memory haunts my mind. She knows he loves her, she knows this is an illnes..she stands dutifully at his side. She feels responsible..for though she never cheated on him she insisted on working. Its not her fault - its no one's fault but that doesn't ease the pain.

I stood with him in that picture perfect day and my heart broke into a million more pieces. Mom excused herself to go check on my grandmother and I walked with my grandfather to the barn. He continued on - not totally with me, rambling, ranting, occasionally kicking or hitting something. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. I never saw him drink in all my time with him growing up. The doctors say that he drinks when the Alzheimers is bad because he drank in that part of his life that he regresses to. It makes him violent...I'm trying to teach him to smoke pot instead.

We stood in the barn and it started - the whole speech quoted above. He told me how much he loved me, he told me where his money was and how to get it, he told me he didn't want a funeral. He hugged me tight and told me that I was his only granddaughter - his love and his life. The he picked up a screwdriver and tried to stab himself in the neck.

A granddaughter should NEVER have to do what I did today. To pry that screwdriver from his hand and hold him....it felt like it went straight through my heart. He wants to die - his life was long and good but now, now he cannot do what he loves for the instability and pain in his body...this horrible disease eats at his mind...what type of an existance is it? I understand why he wants to die, I wish I could give him that in a peaceful manner, I don't have that power. Maybe its just selfish to stop him from doing it himself. I just wish there was a better ending to this magnificant man's life. I know the pain and strife that his death will cause - suicide only makes that worse.

After a few hours we calmed things down. Grampy apologized and kissed and hugged her and doted on her. We ate lunch and grampy and I talked for a long while - he tells me the stories of his life. Around 2 they seemed relatively ok and we started to get ready to leave.

Now - any rational person reading this is most likely absolutely livid about the idea that we'd leave without taking any further action. Its been three years at this and I still say the same thing but I understand and live the reality of the flip side. If he kills himself tomorrow it will be a horrible tragedy and a great peace. If we took him and locked him away (and god how many times that has been suggested) they'd both die tomorrow anyway. My grandparents don't exist apart....they are eachother's last will to live. I can't explain all the ins and outs of why we leave them alone there together, in the end I guess it just comes down to the fact that there is no other humane choice. Please don't judge me for this, just understand.

It was a long ride home. I have to be the rock right now...I cannot cry, I cannot fall down in my sorrow. Mom has dealt with this day in and day out since it started three years ago. She is their strength and she is amazing but she needs strength too....I have to give her that. I can't have her worrying that I'm not ok in all this because she needs her energies to focus elsewhere. I will be ok..I've accepted his oncoming death, I hurt at these times but I recognize them for what they are....it is the least I can do for my mother to keep strong in front of her...I can cry for myself later.

Home finally - I basically ignore my brother and friends who are here and head for solitude. I emerge only for dinner - I should have stayed in solitude. By the end of the night my brother has thrown one of his selfish little temper tantrums over how his sister doesn't talk to him and doesn't love him blah blah blah. I don't know what happened after he started in, when I could hear the screaming from my bedroom upstairs, I took my car keys and escaped.

Thank you Quivas and Shakespeare - you are my steadfast and true friends and I love you dearly. You are there when I need you and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I went to the lake house...I cried in solitude. I'm so flooded with emotion and thought I'm not sure exactly which thing I'm crying over...it just felt good to get some of it out. It was cold.

I returned home and huddled in my car in the yard next door until I saw my brother leave. Amy called - I assured her I wasn't mad at her for what happened at dinner - I started to talk about it - she snipped "I don't want to talk about it." Add insult to injury! On the day from hell when I need a loving friend more than anything in the world - my best friend and roomate doesn't want to talk about it. I can understand she doesn't want to be in the middle but GODDAMN IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME TODAY!

Next line of consolation: Curl up next to dad and cry. Response: What the hell is wrong with you now? Would anyone like to guess how that one was received.

I called Quivas bawling....I want to go home to him, to curl up and cry in his arms and then smoke the biggest bowl ever packed and forget today ever happened. No such luck since no one is about to let me drive tonight.

So here I am...smoking cigs out the window of my childhood bedroom and feeling utterly miserable.

Hope your day was better.