2001-04-07 - 9:09 a.m.

Rawr!

The sun shines in through my window at this moment and I bask in it like a lazy cat. I love the feelings of this time of year. I love the events...the first home game of the season was played at fenway last night. Soon we'll open the lake house, the parties will start. Soon the snow will finish melting and everything will turn brilliant shades of green. Last night I walked to the store at 7pm, for the first time in months it was warm and still light outside. It feels sooo good. Its a time of renewal and strength for me, and its time to show the world what I'm made of.

I spent a lot of time last night basking in some alone time. Its been a long time since I knew how to keep myself truly content when alone. Last night was somewhat hypnotic - I could lose myself in anything and it was fine. I didn't mind thta I was alone, I missed Quivas, I missed my friends - but it was rather benign - I'll see them today. So I endeavored for me. I thought a lot about a line from a song - "Why are you so petrified of silence - here can you handle this: (5 seconds of silence): did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?" The key is I'm honestly learning finally to just think in solitude. Its a daunting task - I've been working on it for years actively...and I finally begin to see signs of triumph. I still have alone time when I seek out friends or distractions because I am inevitably a much more social creature than an hermit, but there's beginning to be more of a balance.

I challenged a dear friend to an exercise in self - esteem last night. I think I'll embark on that same exercise. Think initially of 5 things you like about yourself:

1.)I can be an amazing friend

2.)I am damn good at my job

3.)I have music in me - and passion

4.)I have morals and try to live a good life

5.)I'm good at communicating

Ok..so now - post these 5 things somewhere you'll often see them. Add at least 1 item to the list per day. Read them all often.

That's the first part of the exercise. The second is appreciating the things and people around you and figuring out why. For example - your best friend is always there for you and makes you feel great. Do you return the same to your friends? Thank your friend for all they do and then actively work to make sure you return the qualities and things you appreciate to others in your life.

I don't claim to have it all figured out. I have no idea what it takes to successfully make it through this life - I'm just trying to make myself happy. Its a pretty cool journey - wanna come along?

Vacation - I must finish packing and get everything ready to take off. I'm sure there will be more writing soon.