2001-03-17 - 12:36:48

God's finger touched him, and he slept.

—Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Underlying all the events of the last four years has been the ongoing struggle to face the mortality of one of the most amazing men in my life.

Last night I woke around 4. Restless, I got up and flicked on the tv. I have the habit of watching silly old sitcoms. Last night's choice was an episode of All in the Family. I can't help but think I was meant to wake and see this. Edith is working in a nursing home...she's asked to sit with a woman who is critically ill and the hospital has just sent her back saying there's nothing more they can do for her. In their conversation the dying woman expresses her anger that the hospital revived her. She talked of how she had seen the gates of heaven and her husband calling her to come. She just wanted to die...it was time, she had lived a good life. Edith held her hand and watched her slip into death with a calm and an acceptance.

Four years ago when this all started I fought like with vigour to save him. I couldn't imagine, didn't want to imagine a life without him here on earth. My grandfather has been my closest ally, my strongest role model, my best friend. The depth of our bond baffles everyone. It is one of my most treasured aspects of my life.

Over time I've come to see things differently. I've learned to accept death. I've learned that its not such a scary prospect at the end of a long life. I sit here today and I honestly wish, though I'll hurt with his loss, that he could just close his eyes one last time and in peace sleep forever.

I had a vivid dream after watching that show. I was at his side, the family was there but I sat holding his hand. There was a calm gentle look on his face, the pain was gone, the anxiety and nervousness disappeared. I sat with him and smiled and told him of my life and as I did so he slipped slowly away. My family stood outside...they were locked out. I turned from his bed after a few moments and my eyes and ears opened. They were screaming and fighting and trying to get in. I walked out of the room and they attacked me like animals. Accusations flew and anger and tears were everywhere. They didn't understand why I had let him go...why I didn't try to save him.

The world fears death. I did for a long time. We do everything possible to defy it. We create medical technologies to tear people from the grips of death, we have machines to sustain life when the body can't. While these technologies have their merit...they are also widely abused.

I used to dread losing grampy like I lost GrampyCarr before I even knew him. I used to curse God for never letting me have my other grandfather in my life. I've learned an amazing lesson though. Our mortality is a part of us. Why fight it..if you've lived a good long life...there comes time when you just want rest. You've earned it, you deserve it.

I've come to peace with GrampyCarr's death. I'll always have a measure of regret for never getting to share time with this great man. My father has told me of how much my grandfather would have loved me and been proud of who I've become. My family has told me how much of his spirit lives on in me and I treasure that. I no longer resent his death though. He died at his time...before his body plunged into degredation that limited his ability to work and do the things he loved. He passed away happy and content on a fourth of July nearly 20 years ago. He'd been watching his grandchildren play, he'd watched his business bloom and grow, he'd seen his children grow up and take their places in the world, he'd loved his wife and been at her side for years. And content and happy in a moment he sat on the front steps of his house and "God's finger touched him, and he slept." I'm glad he had all that. I'm glad he never suffered like grampyR does today.

There will come a day in the near future when finally he'll get to close his eyes and go where he longs to go. I pray my family doesn't fight it. I pray I'm there to hold his hand and be with him as he slips into eternity. I'll cry for my loss of him on earth, but rejoice that he's finally resting and I have all those precious memories to go forward with.

To everything there is a season...life's greatest lesson is learning to accept this. I love you grampy...I understand.