2001-03-14 - 19:07:23

He writes:

"In the winter of that year, I met an angel. Sent to me by God to fill a void. I made the mistake of clipping her wings, of trying to make her mine. No that wasn't the mistake, I think she held the scissors, and closed the lock on her own chains. My therapist and I have had a lot of arguments about that one.

But I did make a mistake, I told this angel that I loved her. I did love her, I still do. I don't think I could ever express what she means to me. No my mistake was to love her without allowing myself to love her unconditionally, without allowing her to share in my shame, I didn't want her to get dirty, to see that I wasn't worthy.

I tried, on so many occasions to understand where this flaw came from. Today I think I understand. I was simply unable to trust someone else because ultimately I was unable to trust myself. I was looking for a way to correct one mistake while making a larger one... not allowing others to help.

In the end my angel was left with a broken heart, and though I missed her I didn't hurt that she left. Though I know it hurt for her to break free of her chains, it seems I had lost the key to her chains.

Of course there are lots of mistakes. I took out my pain at me Christine's leaving out on the innocent ones. I didn't let my angel touch me, afraid of being hurt again. It doesn't help much to understand... the pain is still there, the sleepless night are still long, and there is still a love for my angel, though different now, that I'll never get the opportunity to express.

But in these last few months as I have come to understand some of these mistakes, I've taken steps to correct the ones I can. Soon I will graduate from school, I talk to my children every Saturday for hours and will spend some much needed time with them this summer. I've reconciled with my Mother and Father, rekindled friendships with my brother and sister. I've repaid my debt to society, and will continue to do so.

There are benefits to this hard and time consuming work, I have a great job (thanks to my education), I have mentors (through my mother and father), I have peers and friends (through my sibs and there children), I once again have love in my life (from all, but most importantly from my children), and I have the respect of my peers in church and school for my ongoing volunteer work.

In fixing all these mistakes I've made, I've found there are some we can not fix. I know in my heart you can't forgive me.... but I have to tell you again how sorry am I am that I hurt you. In all my life I've loved one person outside of my family, but for some reason I couldn't love you enough to trust you to love me back. For that I am sorry, I only wish I could have been worthy of your love, for in your arms I found a gift from God, I found a peace we only find once in our lifetimes."

They're words on a page. Relayed to me through the only form of contact I've left him, an old e-mail address. So why such a profound effect? They could be shallow words...said to ease a conscience...they could be sincere. Am I naive to trust that the sentiments are real? I'm a insane to long for the old comfort of his arms. I'm a mad to hate the now he seems to be the stable adult that I longed for him to be years ago?

I'm not so silly as to remember the time we had together as total bliss. We had huge problems...neither one of us were the adults we were pretending to be. But I know that underlying all that was the love that I've talked about. Do I let him back in somehow? In some way do I reach out or do I turn my tear stained cheeks and run in pain?

I don't know. There is no one that understands. The usual confidants are too jaded by the events that led to my leaving him to listen. My parents aren't safe ground on this one. The people that weren't there in my life through that time can't understand the depths of my emotions surrounding this. Quivas was here a few moments ago..he held me..I cried on his shoulder but I can't reveal to him in this moment the reasons why and the depth to which this is affecting me. Who do I turn to?