2001-02-27 - 01:18:10

So, Ceasing to exist is a very strong option right now.

Am I okay tonight? No.

Will I be okay? Dunno.

I'm at Quivas' house. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I am here because it seemed the least evil.

Driving over here...ahh whoever thought it would be bright for me to drive anywhere tonight was a few grapes short of a bunch. I left crying. Throwing caution to the wind - I did not wear a seatbelt.

I picked up my cell phone with one hand and lit a cig with the other. Lets increase the odds. So through my tears I pulled out of the driveway.

"I hope you Die" by the Bloodhound gang screams away at top volume. I drive too fast. I almost missed that curve...damn better go faster next time. It would be so easy to drive the wrong way into traffic. That's where it starts. I get off onto 133, I know just down the road is a lake. It wouldn't take much to drive my car off into the water. Car's new...seems a waste of a good vehicle just to drown oneself. I could get out and jump...errr prolly will just bounce off the ice. So I journey on. No red lights to run...figures that's when you'd hit 'em all at green. The car is almost out of gas. I stop...hmmm drink gasoline. I'm not sure I'd be able to swallow enough before puking to ensure my destruction. Hmmm..match in the gas tank. That would be a memorable way to go. Kaboom...too many others would go with me. Unnecessary. I could drive to the office...pick up some rope on the way. I could hang myself in the break room. Statement. Nah...makes me look pretty stupid that I'd hang myself over a raise. Drug store to my left...hmm pills? Nah I'm always a pussy, take the sleeping pills first, fall asleep before deed is done. Shit. No more options...I'm at the house.

Its not today's specific issue that hurts so much. Granted it sucks ass...I'm mad, pissed, hurt. I'm not so silly though to kill myself over it. But its the straw that's breaking the camel's back. I'm tired...too many times in the past 4 years I've been screwed. I pour my heart and my soul into something. Then I watch it fall apart before my eyes. My relationships...my work...my life. It hurts...every disappointment every crashing world. Rebuilding takes more energy than i have. I cry more tears than should be possible. I'm tired. I don't know that I can do it again. I don't have the energy left...the world has taken it. I don't have the will...the world has crushed it.

There's nothing left. There was a beautiful soul here. An incredibly smart and talented girl. A huge heart....rare and precious among an all too uncaring world. But its gone now. The fire burned out...there was no one who cared enough to stoke it....to care for it over time...to keep that flame shining brilliantly. Sure every now and then someone threw on a log or stirred it up. But they warmed by the heat of my flame and then satisfied waslked away.

I'm tired. I want to sleep. I want to never hurt again.