2001-03-22 - 11:17 p.m.

In the current state of society it seems that most everything has become disposable. We have disposable plates and cups for when you just don't want to clean. We have disposable diapers to make parenthood easier. We have disposable contacts for convienance. I'm all for things that make my life easier, but some of the sectors that have been hit by the disposable craze cause me great alarm. Our society accepts people too many times as disposable. A woman is old and her family doesn't want to be burdened - if you put her in a nursing home and never visit and never care - she's disposable. The murder rate is rising - people are disposable. Big business needs more profit - resources / people are disposable. I'm married but things are rough - divorce is easiest - people/relationships are disposable. I had a fight with my friend today...he was an ass...he's been an ass a lot lately - I think I won't talk to him anymore - people/friends are disposable.

Its disconcerting. The one that's bothering me especially at the moment is the disposable friend syndrome. People don't understand the basic principles of friendship these days. It wasn't designed as an practice by which if you're friends with this person you'll get this personal gain. It used to be a mutual thing...you gave as much as you took. It wasn't designed to be dismissed at a whim - it meant a mutual respect and love and bond which meant you could fight and scream and kick and hate eachother and still come out friends. It meant that sometimes your actions might cause eachother pain - but if your action is making you happy - that pain can be worked through. It meant that I care about you and I want to know what's going on with you good and bad. It meant you shared joy and pain together. It meant that you could know your friend would listen through hours of your talking if you needed them to. It meant you could just laugh together and be happy. It meant you knew that wherever that person was that if you really really needed them you could trust they'd always be there in your hour of need. It meant brutal honesty. It meant unconditional love.

Ok so maybe I'm an idealist and that's my interpretation of friendship. Honestly that's for the most part (not saying I never slip up) what my friends get from me. If you've earned the honest title of friend in my life - not buddy or pal or acquaintance - I have made a committment to give you that.

I'm scared that our society is losing their values. When people are expendable, violent horrible deaths are tolerable because we've become desensitized, we're quicker to sue than hug and people look at you strangly because you're nice....I think we're in trouble. It scares me. It scared me to death when I had the children. It makes me question bringing a child into this world. We're losing sight of what separates man from beast - our sense of humanity.

I've been thinking about the kids a lot. I suspect that is a big part of why I'm not sleeping. They're 7 and 11 now. Catherine is turning into quite the little woman I hear - though she desperately needs a kinder woman in her life. Timmy is adorable and happy and absolutely radiant. That's what I hear. I hope they really are overcoming the world around them. I hope their mom's horrible treatment isn't ruining their chances in this world. I'm scared that things are not as I'm told. I hate that I have no choice but to sit here and wonder with no chance of ever seeing them again.