2004-01-12 - 8:59 p.m.

Sometimes in life we go so long absorbed in our problems that we forget to see the blessings. Sometimes we forget the blessings we've taken time to see in the past and the lessons those moments of realizations have taught us. During this time when there's so much turmoil and change for me I tend to forget these things. Tonight I had the opportunity to be reminded of one I take far too much for granted.

You see, whatever power exists above this world blessed me with a person in my life who has known many roles, yet probably never consciously realized any of them beyond the fact that she loved me, she missed me when I wasn't around and always had a hug to give me. Nancy was my best friend when I was child, we played in her school house and dressed her dolls and colored and sang and were silly. I never saw her graying hair back then...not in those early days.

Then I grew up, and sometimes I became embarassed by her. Friends would look and giggle sometimes when my grandmother or parents brought her to see me perform in a school event. I didn't want to play with her dolls or in her school house, now I saw her graying hair and didn't understand fully why she wasn't an adult. Or perhaps more-so from my own mis-placed embrassment I didn't want to see.

As an adult I've seen quite clearly at times the blessing she is in my life. The things that her existence, love and happiness have given me that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Nancy is mentally handicapped, she will always be the child I long ago stopped being. Perhaps her life is more richly blessed at times for that fact. She doesn't see what I see in the world. She doesn't often stop smiling either.

I've been exploring the idea of impermanence and I realized tonight by some odd twist that this is the exact state that most of the time she lives in. Tomorrow exists, so does yesterday but much more important to her at almost every turn is this moment, today, the person she's with and the activity she's currently involved in.

When I thought about these things tonight a bit of shame came over me. I don't give her enough of my time, I don't share her smiles enough, I don't try to create them enough and in that I fail to say thank you for all she's done in my life.

When you look at a handicapped person what do you see? I can honestly say that through all my life what I have never felt for Nancy is pity. I'm proud of this fact. You see Nancy doesn't need or desire my pity...to her there's nothing to pity.

I don't know where I was going with this, I just felt like I had to say it. Thank you Nancy, for being just who you are. I wish the world could all know you and the lessons you've taught me.