2004-04-06 - 8:16 p.m.

The time comes when you must put sorrow aside, let the simple moment be enough, no worry or sadness for what tomorrow may or may not hold, no misty eyed memories of the past just live in that exact moment and find the joy in it.

Today i did that, forget all the memories that have made a constant run through the synaptic terminals of my overactive mind these days. Forget the hours of flooding tears over weddings she won't attend and grandchildren she'll never know and boil it down to a simple moment.

We had one of our new "fights" ..no words this time, just the simple clinging to a tissue as if it were the last life vest on titanic. And suddenly you realize, until her last breath she will still be that stubborn, obstinant, frustrating, wonderful woman she's always been. She can barely form a sentance for fatigue, opening her eyes seems a painful chore and yet this darling woman has the audacity to play a game of hide the tissue so that her little treasure can't be stolen.

For years, she's had a problem with a tear duct in her eye. Hence gave rise to the ever present tissue or paper towel tucked inside the right hand pocket of whatever garment she wore that day. There would be a pocket and there would be a tissue, this was a constant in a world where the only thing constant is change.

And the change hasn't come yet. Maybe its her one little way to remind us that she's in control, that she still has some measure of independance regardless of what her failing body forces her to let others do for her.

And all i could do in that moment was laugh, and know, that somehow it was okay. And i sat down, promised her i wouldn't steal her tissue if she'd put it down and hold my hand, and she let go of it and offered me that soft familiar palm, one i've spent hours softly rubbing as of late, marvelling at the softness of her skin. And there, safe with my grandmother, perhaps for the last time, i fell asleep in her hold.

That's not to say there's not sadness and struggle left to come. No doubt that will still be tears to cry but for one sweet moment i'll never forget....i knew it was all okay.