2002-05-04 - 9:59 a.m.

You came to me in my dreams last night. After all this time you arms finally wrapped tightly around me, your lips touched my skin, our hearts soared together at last and I knew completion. It was as if my other half had come home, as if the part of me I've longed for throughout eternity was finally returned to its holy shrine in my heart.

All of life's hardship, all of the ghosts of the past, all of the wounds of my heart were healed in your return to me. I was whole again.

Many many things happened in the dream, some which I recall vividly, some which fade from memory too far to describe. But I woke with that feeling of completion, for a few moments I revelled in the calm, the wholeness and then I slipped back to sleep.

And in the waning hours of the night the choice came. The price had to be paid for the joy we had known. Great tragedy came to those we knew and a choice was set before you. In the breaking light of day my other half was torn once more from its shrine and a wall was erected that would eternally keep us in separation. My heart and soul were doomed to walk eternity incomplete and broken.

I awoke with tears. For a long expanse of time I knew not that these were dreams that had come to me. The ache inside me was real in those moments. My pillow is still damp with the tears.

Fully awake now......I know what must be done.

2002-03-26 - 10:25 a.m.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

—C. S. Lewis

Do you know me? Do you think you do? Do you have any idea what is inside me...what makes me feel and think and act? Can you even begin to fathom the mess that is me...the strange entanglement that controls the very essence of my being?

I want to close off - to retreat to things that do not hurt..to close my life, my love my heart to those that would be careless in their actions towards them. I want to hide deep in a cave of solitude where no force can make my heart shatter like the laugh of one I once loved can...I want to escape to some reality where the cry of a child does not make me bleed where the deceit of a kindred does not tear my soul where I can be safe. But there is no such place for me to hide.

And even if there were...

I would shrivel and die there for the very essence of me which I hate with such passion for its vunerability is what makes me live with vitality and passion and gives me joy and smiles and laughter. It is a cruel paradox.

2002-02-08 - 1:46 a.m.

Its in the air

You're nearby - I can smell you - taste you on the wind.

My heart beats rapidly...blood pulsing through my veins and my temples ache sensing you.

Every turn of my eyes every glance I expect to see...but you're elusive. This is your game

You're taunting. How do you know when I'm happy so you can come back and put the fear in me again? Why? Why...

Its a game of cat and mouse and I'll forever be the mouse. I wish you'd catch me and kill me...but you play...batting at me with your wretched claws only wounding and amused watching me run.

I glance behind every second...in mockery I feel your hand on my shoulder but its only teh breeze. I can smell your scent, no one else can.

And you live on my fear...you thrive on it. Its your life blood and you return for it. Is it sweeter when I have almost attained happiness? Is that it?

Is your goal to suck the life out of me...to make me fear happiness for its association wiht you so that I might never seek it again?

i can see the rain...the tattered clothes...the rope marks on my arms again...the shining knife....I can hear my own cries. Torment me not - aren't memories enough?

Is there nowhere to hide? Can I ever escape you? Your gaze seems to know no limits and time and time again you're there...like a shadow.

why?

You can't help those that won't help themselves so its time to not stress over it.

Its time to go out and chase my dreams.

2002-01-28 - 10:51 a.m.

and the days pass...

with a mixture of meloncholy and smiles I walk on. I cannot say that my life is bad right now, though i maintain it is a little lonely. It is the person I am and though I could change it I choose not to. I'm content at the moment to admire some from afar and revel in myself a little more.

Bittersweet moments fill my days. Remembrances of how things were with lovers, friends and even work. Short glimpses that is may become what it once was again, and then a turn back into the current unrest.

Its not bad, things have to grow and change. I must smile to think of the people in my life at the moment who have done so very much to keep me smiling and happy. I can't regret the turn I've taken towards calmness. Hysterical crying has put itself on the back burner and I seem more even keeled, though sometimes i'm quite convinced its contrived.

For those worrying about me, I am a big girl and I appreciate your concern but I assure you, my strength is rebuilding. Though I hide in my cucoon now I will emerge in the future shining and free. I am not unhappy in this place and its solitude. I am busy growing. And when I move on from this moment I will do so with eyes open aware of my risks and accepting them.

My heart will be hurt again I know. I will survive.

To my shakespeare - ye gods but I love you and am endeared to you so in these past few weeks. None other has shared such a spirit with me in ways that you do and I have spent many an hour wallowing in thoughts of what our friendship is. If I can be a voice that makes you smile in teh darkest moments than I will never regret our friendship for all its ups and downs. I walk by your side though I have never touched your face.

To J, you touch me in ways I thought I would never want again. But there are difficulties and distance and things that cannot be overcome. If I have learned one thing it is not to walk the same path over again and I fear that we may find the path to be very similar to one I have just left. You are my heart...you are my aragorn in so many ways but perhaps the distance will always be a blessing that we might not destroy in eachother the things we so love.

To quivas, my shining friend and lover. How the dark depths of your eyes tore my soul this weekend. How holding you felt so bittersweet, how moments went past when it seemed that it had all been a nightmare. But nothing has changed and our lives must still diverge until perhaps someday when we have grown and learned and changed enough to find one another again. Accepting that if you love something you must let it go, if it returns to you its yours, if it does not, you never had it anyways....has been the hardest thing. We can put no definitive answers down we can make no timeline and we know that waht we once shared may never be so again. It saddens my heart but I cannot live with us both unhappy, it is not fair and its time to start pursuing greater goals. do not frown my pet, my love for we will be alright and through this time we will wander and grow and learn. How it tears at me to remember you lying there, the soul and life seemingly gone from you. My heart has cried since you left for the pain I cannot take away. but we know the reality and we know our love and all we can do is walk on...apart.

To SoulMaster, what can I say but that the days are sweeter for you in them. Never has the sense of love and protection followed me so deep. I know in all moments that you are there and that is comfort even in the darkest of nights. There are so many difficulties so many questions but we will answer them in time. for now the warmth of your embrace and the strength of our friendship is all we need to walk on.

To me...

you are strong, you are beautiful and you are amazing. Let not your fears and self doubt erase this knowledge from you. You have lived through more than you should but regret and bitterness are not the tastes you know and that shall continue evermore. You have a sweet soul so deserving of happiness but we must no lose heart...it will come someday.

No one can love another who does not first love themself.

2002-01-21 - 12:10 a.m.

We are the original pitiful two...

one can have a good day and inevitably the other is terribly miserable. We make a good pair. Between us life is cruel, unfair and downright rotten 365 days a year. Sometimes we take a break for a major holiday - but its rare.

We spend more energy I swear talking eachother out of depression, swapping the same good advice back and forth like a pair of shoes - problem is we never use the advice we give eachother.

We know our problems, we even have some damn good ideas about how to solve them...but then some of the melodrama would stop. My god! What would life be without the drama?

We're more alike than I'd ever admit...I get these feelings when I know that I just have to talk to him. He doesn't call...I think he has trouble with his ability to dial. I don't care...we both know we're there when needed..its an unspoken law.

But we're miserable...absolutely miserable. To the point - you miss us off if we are made to laugh. How dare you break my grumpy poor pitiful me mood!

Its an endless cycle...and hell yeah it can be fun...especially when we break down and both laugh together. But its a cycle one of us has to learn to break - and then hopefully teach the other.

I don't need a man in my life to fuck me to make me whole or happy. You don't need a woman. Plain and simple right?

Sex doesn't solve a damn thing and love isn't built out of what's comfortable alone.

I ramble entirely too much and I lack your eloquance. I think I lack the ability to spell also.

Ok - I need lunch - that's enough for now.

Don't laugh damnit...we're moping today. Life is utter despair and will only improve if we keep a scowl deeply planted on our lips! man a fuck would solve all this...

W00t - yes I need help

Merry Christmas all..its been awhile eh?

Its been the hardest Christmas I hope I'll ever endure. For a year and a half nick and I have walked side by side, loving eachother, exploring the world, talking, laughing and being best friends and lovers. But life is cruel and the fates crueler..that they would make two people, who love eachother so much so incompatible for the long term. We decided 4 days before Christmas that the time had come to admit...that though we love eachother feircely....its that very love that now must make us part, before life becomes to painful and we learn to resent eachother. We are fundamentally different in ways that cannot be overcome anytime in the immediate future....those incompatibilities drive eachother insane and cause intense unhappiness. So with many tears...much heartache we decided to part ways....and as I watch him leave this house and move towards a different tomorrow without me I could not imagine anything that could hurt more.

After the decision was made my heart cried a thousand times to take it back...but he's set that this is right and what we must do. There's an ache that walks with me through every day...it dulls with time, I can see this already but it will take many moons before it goes away. I must learn to be me again...alone in a world that scares me beyond belief. Its time to grow to be less scared alone. Its a call to change and grow and learn and I will..in time.

My family, my friends - they have been amazing. The friends who saw themselves relatively neglected as I lay quietly in the bonds of my relationship have picked up where we left off, embracing me and loving me and holding me and kicking me in the ass when necessary. I truly am blessed.

And Nick...in time we will be friends...we are in name now but the close proximity is bittersweet at the moment and for a time we must stay apart...keep lines drawn and learn to live our lives alone again. I miss him in every moment..perhaps I always will. Tis cruel to have to wonder if you've made the biggest mistake of your life. But if it is meant to be I can only believe that some day we will find eachother again. And if not then we will have spared ourselves the pain of a potentially broken marriage some day.

He walks through this house still, final arrangements for moving not yet done. His presence is bittersweet. I know he must leave - for with him here my soul will always be captive to what I once had and cannot have any longer. I wish he didn't have to go, I wish he could stay and be my roomate and we could walk on as friends without missing a beat. Such is not reality.

I feel like a failure. O said it last night...he caught what no one else has....he knows my soul too well. Another relationship I couldn't make work...I know it takes the effort of two and this is not my failure but an acceptance of facts and emotions..I know this logically. Someone tell my heart.