Strangers making the most of the dark Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smokey air Can't you feel the weight of my stare You're so close but still a world away What I'm dying to say, is that
I'm crazy for you Touch me once and you'll know its true I never wanted anyone like this Its all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss Im crazy for you, crazy for you
Trying hard to control my heart I walk over to where you are Eye to eye we need no words at all
Slowly now we begin to move Every breath I'm deeper into you Soon we two are standing still in time If you read my mind, you'll see
Its all brand new, I'm crazy for you And you know its true Im crazy, crazy for you
I grinned into the phone, she felt so good and so comfortable, i had forgotten, silly - to have forgotten such a thing. She made a high pitched eeking sound - her usual excited emission - and i launched into giggles again, and she asked when I'd be arriving, the 4th I said...and another series of excited utterances tumbled forth.
God it felt good...and my feet do itch. I forgot just how well she knows me. She asked how long i had had the apartment packed up and empty, about a month i replied, in near hysterics. "Wow that's about the longest goodbye you've mustered yet, must be killing you." Oh god, i replied, there's not a thing left i can pack at this moment! She launched into a series of of topics about how the baby won't stop asking about me at the oddest moments and the summer line at the shop, and then she asked....can i come?
Huh? Well, on the 4th? LOL You have 7 children and you want to drive to Maine for the 4th of July, are you nuts? God I love you!! Can you do my hair too? And of course her answer was yes, she'd bring everything and the wax and she'd fix everything...and i just wanted to jump through the phone with my itchy feet and kiss her. She knows that the lake house will be a swamp of people, she knows my mother won't hardly let me out of her sight for a week, but god love her she'll come anyway with bags packed with color and scissors and wax and all the fun stuff and toting the littlest one on her hip....and after all this time...we'll be back together again...and i adore that she can't even wait until i'm off the plane a day.
I called my mom and asked if i could bring a friend or two home with me on the 4th....she laughed and said the house was pretty full, there was only my bedroom left to book - i said i'd take the couch. I guess I've got quite a welcome home party planned...who knew....
I think my heart is about to explode right now I feel so loved.
Aww look she's all mushy and gushy and stuff - isn't that cute!
"You sound sad" He said... I hadn't really thought about it...
I guess there was something profoundly sad in the undertones of my voice and yet....i feel, almost neutral but stretched, stretched is a good word for it, like a favorite hobbit of mine once said...".I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread" ~Bilbo BagginsLOTR
You see its not a bad time, I choose this, not out of loss, or a need to run, or really that there was anything profoundly lacking here that never would have come in a mere matter of time....but it was the choice of one dream over another. It is essentially one of the most beautiful places a person can find themselves, torn between beauty on both sides - now granted it may be as well one of the most agonizing at some moments...but when faced with such choices one must sit and realize - how lucky they truly are to be there.
Here I have paradise, landscapes and weather the world envies every day, i have culture that fills up my soul and overwhelms me, i have learned so much. Over 2 years I have grown into a far better person than i could have imagined for having been here, and I am soo grateful that I came, and that I lived and that I loved, and that i have done what i did here. I would not trade a moment, from the earthquake to my relationships to my work, to skydives and parasails, to sunsets on the beach and whalewatches and moonlit skinnydips, not any of it. I wouldn't trade those moments of being hated for my white skin, for they have taught me humility in the face of adversity, nor would i trade the moments of being embraced by families and friends of every ethnicity i could imagine. Tears and smiles, rainbows and raindrops....two years of amazing experiences.
And there...family, a mother and father who are love's inspiration after all these years and still going strong. My support and my shelter. My niece who I am dying to hold and to teach hawaiian, and to dress like a little wahine and smell, i might just inhale her. My friends I have long missed and the multitude of children they have produced in my absence - jesus they need me back just so i can keep them from copulating so much or they'll be overrun by offspring! My darling Cesca of course! And then there are things like seasons and interstate highways and no threats of tsunamis. Snow....we're listing that under positives today get back to me about that come December.
So yes, I'm sad....i'm sad that it takes leaving one to have the other. I'm sad that you have to close some doors to open other windows. But I'm okay.
Above the mountains the geese turn into the light again
Painting their black silhouettes on an open sky.
Sometimes everything has to be inscribed across the heavens so you can find the one line already written inside you.
Sometimes it takes a great sky to find that small, bright and indescribable wedge of freedom in your own heart.
Sometimes with the bones of the black sticks left when the fire has gone out someone has written something new in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving you are arriving.
~ David Whyte House of Belonging
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And so they have been found, the right words for the page to finally start this journey. The page that has been blank for nearly a year, waiting for the right words to come, the right moment. I would not start this page in pain, i would not start it at a run from something, i would not start it in ugliness, but simply when it was right. Now, is right. Now, it has arrived. Here, i am.
To what end? That remains to be seen...perhaps this will finally be the collection of the wise words i have uttered forth to this moment and never actually used, that i might actually employ a few of them, and continue to write new ones...who knows. I suspect i will forever continue to ignore a good many of my own sage words, even as i spew them forth to others. It is, after all, always easier to give good sound advice than it is to take it. For some reason the mechanical engine of the passionate heart drive has never run well on sound advice, its fancy seems tickled by the most audacious and self-destructive direction sequence most of us can contrive on a daily basis. Oh well, it makes life, if nothing else, action-filled (please note my swerve around the use of the word drama there).
So from a great sky, from ashes, from a multitude of beauty and pain, from rainbows and waterfalls, from hardwork and heartbreak from laughter and walks on the beach, from a multitude of things i now emerge into something new and with it emerges a new blog home....wiser, tanner, sillier and perhaps a bit more guarded than ever, here i am.
It's not about your definition It's not about your power or someone else's pain or perception or words or semantics or any of the bullshit. It's not about the movies, the story of O, about tradition, it's not about costumes or chains or floggers or the right equipment. It's not about formality, or title, it's not about capitalization, it's not about perfectly arched backs and and Nadu.
Its about the power of the moment that sears through you. When a connection is made and it means something to you. When two feel together as one. When it feels right. When the magnet's power draws you uncontrollably toward something and you flow like liquid metal toward it with no hesitation, oozing into it...Its about living it, not defining it, feeling it, inhaling it, tasting it, diving into it and letting it drown you, consume you, devour every last inch of you...and never wanting to come back up for air, never wanting to escape it. Whatever "it" is for you.
Do you know what it feels like to drown there, in the sweet intoxication of it all....in that sweet beautiful connection of souls? Can you fathom surrendering yourself to another, completely, how does it make you feel, does it make you feel vunerable? free? afraid? serene? What is the tensile strength of love?
I recently delved into the matter of semantics with an old Master. We had the difficult conversation after one of my great epiphany restless nights. They're the nights i hate but need, alone in my thought, about out of my mind in chaotic mood shifting primal muckity muck.
There's an essentail difference between a submissive and a slave. I used to engage in this discussion long ago and purely dismiss it to a matter of semantics but its really not necessarily so. You see the submissive always realizes that there's an element of self gratification in every act. There's mutual benefit to all of it. For the slave this must not necessarily be so - not the true slave. The Master that seeks a true slave does not require that in the action He takes there be benefit to the slave. The Master that seeks a submissive will always seek mutual benefit for Himself and the submissive.
*i* am not a slave. i have never been able to rid myself of that self-serving element. i seek mutual positive benefit from my action. It was a sad conversation for me...after all under the guidance of this Master i'd come to pen some of my greatest works. He helped me to channel my energies in ways i'd be unable to harness them under my own devices. He provided disciple i longed for and with that freedom amazing things flowed. But He asked me for things which denied self. To put another before self is submission, to deny self is slavery. i will not deny myself.
Now why this discussion.....In response to my post essence its been asked if my submission and my idealism are not contradictory. How do i pursue my idealist thought as a submissive? It is implied that i cannot. I emphatically say i much more so pursue it as a submissive. Furthermore i'm free to because i'm a submissive and not a slave...
The pursuit of intellectual enlightenment takes many paths. Many people seek guides and partners along the paths. Not because they cannot journey alone but because they prefer other views and some company along the journey. Its not a crutch i seek when i say that long for a Daddy to share in this journey of life, or my journey as a submissive, my journey as an idealist in the realist world. If this Daddy should never come along i'm quite convinced i'll find my way and do quite well on my own volition. Meanwhile i'll have shared the path with a good number of quite amazing souls who have been good enough to hold my hand and laugh with me, share a few sage words and make this an amazing jaunt.
Submission does not mean close me up in a box and make me useless to the world and myself. Submission doesn't mean just play with my head and fuck me hard up against the wall like a dirty naughty little slut toy (though that's kinda fun
Submission means push my limits and take me somewhere a little bit higher, a little better and little further. Help me grow wings and fly with me. Its intensity, its idealism perhaps itself. Striving for it....take me harder......past the last breath....
My submission will never take me out of this world or hide me from it. If a Master ever has intent of that then He won't own me. i'm not a slave and i'm not a fool. My submission is about growing........the One that shares it with me....will know how to nurture it.
Thursday, May 5, 2005
life is just a series of moments live this one enjoy it drink it in with all its juices roll them on your tongue taste their sweetness don't spend all your moments waiting for the next you'll miss this one darling
"I am ," I told the world. "I am neverborn, neverdying individual expression of infinite life, choosing spacetime for my schoolyard and playground. Came here for the fun of it, to join again with old friends, to challenge again grand dear enemies. . ." Richard Bach - Running From Safety
